Holding onto Sanity
by nicksfriend
Summary: Jim is not feeling well and what starts off as a really bad headache leads to another diagnosis, one that may not have a medicinal cure. Bones will have a difficult decision to make with a little assistance from Spock.
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: I don't own them. Wish I could have at least a temporary lease on them but, oh well._

_This is my first attempt at Star Trek fanfiction. If there are mistakes they are definitely mine._

**Five year mission in progress**

**6 months after STID**

The bridge was busy but not chaotic, the atmosphere on deck was controlled, all of the crew busy doing their daily assignments. Jim rubbed at his face, he was tired and the area in the middle of the frontal lobe of his skull was aching, a real kind of pain that would make most men cry. He knew he needed something to staunch the oncoming nausea so he signaled Sulu to take the conn and then quietly left the bridge. It was a perfect time to take a break.

Spock and Uhura had taken an early lunch and had yet to return to their posts. He knew they would be returning soon and he didn't really want Spock calling Bones to the bridge. Jim needed to deal with the pain in his head though, his head was actually pounding a rhythm that he recognized as the onslaught of a really bad headache. Possibly even a migraine, he had suffered his share of severe headaches over the years, especially when he was overly stressed or overly tired.

As the doors closed he announced his destination to the turbolift, enjoying the quiet of the small space. He just wanted to get something for the small jackhammer in his head, it was continuing to increase its presence and he knew that a trip to the medbay was inevitable. First though, he would stop by his quarters and see if there was anything left over from a previous visit. He loved Bones as a friend but avoided him as a doctor, mostly due to the fact that Bones was a madhatter with the hypospray, his neck still ached from the last encounter with the good doctor.

The turbolift door opened and he almost made it his room when a voice called out his name, a very recognizable voice, it was Bones. _"Dammit!"_ He muttered under his breath.

"Jim! I need to speak with you if you have a minute." Bones sped up his pace to catch up with the captain, who was keying in the code to enter his quarters.

Jim was about to open his door and enter anyways ignoring the call of his friend but he didn't want any suspicion aroused from the astute doctor. He stopped short and put on his best captain face because the last thing he wanted to do was to alert an overprotective doctor and friend that he wasn't feeling very well. Hell, he would be in medbay before he could even blink an eye if Bones even thought he was ill, stating some sort of code and then saying section something stated that a captain had to maintain his health and it was his obligation to do regardless of what he wanted, blah, blah, blah...He would play it cool instead.

"Bones, what can I do for ya?" he asked, hoping that the doctor was avoiding doing a virtual eye exam on him. He might have lucked out, he thought, as he observed that the doctor held a death grip on his PADD in one hand and and pointing to the engineering deck with the other, all the while looking a little distraught, well, actually a lot more than just distraught, more like down right mad as hell.

" That damned Mr Scott has done it again." Bones whined. "The man is a damned imbecilic moron. He was suppose to order bandages, enough for the entire crew but _nooooo_, the idiot orders bandanas instead!" the man's hands were shaking with anger as he continued on with his tirade, never lifting his eyes from the PADD in his hand and droning on about life and death things that made Jim's head hurt even worse than minutes before.

For once Jim Kirk was glad that the man was preoccupied with Scottie, maybe he would have to develop a way for his engineer to make more errors that ticked off his chief medical officer. Actually this could work in his favor and he would file this fact away for the future.

"I'll talk to him Bones. No more bandanas. Gottcha." He finally got a few words in and turned towards the door avoiding the glare that the good doctor was now sending towards his way. He was glad for the door to his room opening because on cue, Bones huffed and walked away, still in tirade mode.

As Jim entered and the door slid closed he made his way over to his bed and threw himself across it, face down on his pillow. " Lights off." he commanded and immediately his room was filled with darkness. It felt good just to be by himself in the quiet of the room, his room.

His eyes were suddenly heavy with sleep, even with his pounding headache and he was almost out for the count when a comm interrupted the peace that had enveloped him in his private room.

" Captain to the bridge." Spock's voice called out in an almost emotional voice. The announcement was immediately followed by the screaming sirens and blinking red lights, there was a problem.

The voice brought him out of the light sleep and the sirens caused his senses to suddenly be heightened. He quickly made his way out of his bed in the dark and ran out of his room. He ran down the hallway to the turbolift then quickly entered. He was straightening his shirt as he wondered what was happening on the bridge. Spock's voice sounded urgent and that was never a good sign. He leaned his forehead against the cool wall and scrubbed at his face with his hands, the headache would have to wait. _He hoped it would at least._

As the doors to the bridge opened he stood straight and even with the pain that was escalating to new levels in his head he conveyed a firm confidence as captain of the Enterprise. Jim quickly looked over at the screen, an image of an Andorian plastered on the visual. He quickly assessed that this man was the reason for the alerts, an enemy he had dealt with in the past, Arech, an Andorian slave trader.

"Update Mr Spock." he commanded as his second vacated his chair and he sat down, his headache had ratcheted up another notch upon seeing one of his old enemies on the screen.

" He does not need to update you Captain, I will instead. I am giving you and your crew fair warning to stay out of our airspace. It is against federation rules to cross our boundaries or to come any further into our air space. If you do not yield to our direct order to leave then we will be left no alternative but to destroy your ship." the Andorian ordered in his thick punctuated accent, or _threatened,_ whatever it was he was serious as hell and as he made eye contact with the Captain, the look would have been deadly if looks could kill.

Jim smiled, then looked over to his second, "He's bluffing Spock, continue on our course."

The Andorian was angered and his voice gained a higher pitch, " I am warning you Captain, do not cross me or** you** will be sorry." The Andorian stood from where he had been sitting and starred down into the screen, a scowl on his face and a seething look that could have been nothing short of evil, the two together added a deadly seriousness to his already enraged demeanor.

" I don't think you are in any position to tell me or my crew what to do." Jim stated coolly, never raising his voice or showing any fear to the man. " The treaty clearly states that this star system is neutral and any retaliation from you or your ship will be met with grave consequences as it will clearly be seen as a treaty breaker. I will not repeat myself and you, Arech, know that I won't." Jim reached down and flipped the screen to the off position abruptly ending the conversation with his enemy. Instead, he watched the ship on the screen and within seconds it moved on, clearing the way for the enterprise to continue onward in its journey.

" How did you know Captain?" Spock asked, amazed at the captain's smooth way of handling the situation.

" Let's just say we've had a few drinks together and a few head butts. He's a sore loser who only wants to bully others. He's all hot air Mr Spock" Jim stood and looked around at the smiles plastered on his crew's faces. His job was done for the time being and all he wanted to do was to make it back to his quarters and actually take a nap.

He motioned for Uhura to kill the alerts to which she quickly obliged. His headache had traveled now to a new place which pulsated behind his eyes causing them to slightly blur. He could not allow the others to see his discomfort so he continued giving orders and watching the screen to make sure that Arech did not attempt to follow.

" Mr Sulu, let's speed her up a bit, put some distance between the Andorian ship and us, warp three and steady as she goes."

" Aye Captain, warp three and steady as she goes." Sulu hit a few buttons and then nodded the confirmation to the captain.

" Captain, maybe it is time for you to take nourishment. You look a little worn, maybe it would also prudent for you to see Doctor McCoy, you might have been exposed to some type of bacterial manifestation. Your skin is pale and you look as if you are suffering from pain." Spock was giving the captain an assessing stare.

Jim knew that he would only make things worse if he argued with his first officer so he nodded in agreement, maybe seeing Bones wouldn't be such a bad idea. " I'll take your advice under consideration, Mr Spock." he then turned and proceeded to the turbolift to go to medbay, he would relent to seeing his friend, his head was really hurting.

**Medical Bay**

When Jim entered he noted the lack of patients in the medbay, the beds were empty and the room was lacking the busy sounds and the usual verbal explicatives that he was use to coming mostly from Bones and his use of colorful language skills.

He was about to turn and leave, thinking that it was possibly a bad idea to have a bored Dr McCoy examine him, it would be an all out tests to fill his day, when he heard the familiar voice call out to him.

" Jim, what brings you down here? Usually I have to hogtie you and drag you down here." Bones called out from his office, he was already waving his friend over to a biobed, fearing the worse as always, as he moved from his comfortable chair to greet his friend.

" Headache." Jim stated it softly for two reasons, first it hurt his head to speak too loudly and second, he really wasn't for sure if he wanted to tell the doctor he was in pain.

" You're admitting to pain?" Bones asked as a serious look crossed his face. " Nurse Campbell I need you now!" he shouted into the medical area, this must be serious for Jim to admit to anything akin to pain. Then suddenly he was by his friend's side guiding a reluctant captain to a biobed.

" It's just a headache, Bones." He moaned, he knew he had made a mistake, he should have just went to his room and slept.

" Just shut up and lie down. If it's just a headache then I'll give you something that will ease the pain and prescribe rest but if it is something more... then we will deal with it as always." he patted Jim's shoulder and pushed him gently onto the uncomfortable bed. The biobed's incessant beeps started to increase his already pounding headache but Bones could read the signs of agitation and silenced the monitors.

" That better?" he asked as he watched a very sleepy captain nod his thanks.

The tricorder suddenly made it's appearance and Bones waved it like a magic wand over his reluctant patient but soon he was satisfied when he knew that Jim's life wasn't in any immediate danger but he did note the low grade fever and slightly elevated blood pressure.

He motioned for Nurse Campbell to get some medications from the cabinet and then walked over to Jim's side, the man looked like a damned kid when his eyes were closed and it dawned on him that he really was just a kid... a kid who had been through hell and back in his short life span.

" Jim, I'm going to give you some pain medicine, it looks like you have a migraine and I'm going to give you something to help you sleep." He watched as Jim gave him a slight nod in acceptance of his friend's medical care and then exposed his neck for the delivery of the medication. Bones couldn't help but to be concerned over Jim's acceptance of medical treatment. It was very uncaptain like, at least for his captain.

Bones checked the hyposprays then delivered each one consecutively. Jim never flinched, he just slept.

Bones was worried, his friend was acting out of character, he was not use to a compliant Jim or for that matter a Jim who would come to sick bay on his own accord, he would have to watch his friend, something was off.

" Let's get some blood work done while he's sleeping. He won't like it but hopefully it will all be negative and he'll never know." he told the nurse, who was already preparing the captain's arm. It only took a few seconds and she was off to lab with several vials of Jim's blood.

Bones covered his friend with a sheet then walked over to his office and pulled out his PADD, maybe he was missing something. _What could he be missing with his friend?_

**_Well, what is the good doctor missing? Is it a medical problem or a psychological one, or both? The boy, excuse me, captain, has been through a lot, including death, beatings, Tarsus IV. Guess I have some writ_****ing to do. Thank you for reading, until next chapter...**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: Thank you for the reviews and for following this story. You guys are great!**

His eyes felt s_ticky, _like they had been glued together for a while and it took him a few minutes to awaken completely but the sounds of the soft beeps assisted in pulling him out of a deep, medicated sleep. His headache seemed to be better, it wasn't making its reappearance yet, well not as bad anyway. _At least his head wasn't splitting open._

" Feeling better?" a a very familiar voice asked.

" Well, I must not be dead, I can still sense the concern in your voice." Jim responded as he opened his bright blue eyes to see a very tired looking Bones standing in front of him, actually starring down at him with red rimmed eyes. The man looked as if he hadn't slept in days.

" Well, I'm not use to our captain sleeping almost twenty-four hours straight unless he's in a coma." The sarcasm was dripping from his Southern edged voice.

That got his attention quickly and he jolted upwards onto the biobed, a hand steadied him as he tilted forward, a slight feeling of dizziness intertwined with nausea hit him all at once when suddenly a basin was in front of him and he was throwing up liquid bile that burned the back of his throat and caused his stomach to seize up with cramps.

"Probably not the best idea to get up that quickly." he mumbled between dry heaves. He hands gripping onto Bones shirt, holding on so that he wouldn't fall forward.

"You think." Bones retorted, a huff in his voice but he didn't yell at his patient, _his friend,_ instead he just stayed by his side until the nausea passed.

Jim finally loosened his grip from Bones shirt and pushed the basin away with a frail attempt at staying upright. Even with the crappy way that he felt he knew that if he laid back down he might not get up for a while, so he just steadied himself and sat on the side of the bed.

" You might as well lie back down Jim, that nausea is going to last a a little longer." Bones reached over and pulled up a rolling chair and sat down beside his friend.

" I thought radiation poison sucked but this feels worse." the bitter taste of stomach acid still in his mouth and his stomach was still doing the cramping thing. He felt, like hell. " What the hell is wrong with me Bones?" he asked. Expecting the worse of diagnosis.

" I'm still working on that." Bones didn't really have all the answers yet, Jim's blood work had shown a increased white count, an elevated sed rate and a decrease in his platelet count, all of which meant nothing at this point because all of the blood cultures and urine cultures were showing nothing so far, he was just working in the dark as far as the health of his friend was concerned.

Bones couldn't rule out Khan's synthesized blood, it could be causing all of these abnormalities, there was no precedent for coming back to life after being declared dead and Jim was a first. Super blood could have consequences.

Jim looked over and gave him a _'I want to go back to work look'_ and mentally shook his head, Bones would never go for that, " Well, can I at least go back to my room. I really hate being a patient." He pleaded as he would have asked to go back to work but he figured once out of his physician's site he would do just that, no asking, just doing.

" Not yet, if you are contagious then I don't want to risk spreading whatever you have over the ship and neither would you Jim." he gave his friend a pat on his knee and pushed his chair away and stood. " But I do want you to rest some more. That headache had to be pretty bad for you to come and seek my medical opinion. By the way, how is that head of yours and don't lie I can still see your vitals on the monitor."

Jim thought for a moment, assessing the ache that still lingered and lied, " It feels better.", that was a fairly accurate statement considering that the jackhammer was now just a pounding pipe on metal instead.

" Liar." McCoy was already reaching for another hypospray and if Jim had enough strength left he would have jumped up and ran but Bones was quicker and the injection was delivered without even a _'This might sting a little bit'_, which it did.

" Really Bones" Jim acted hurt as he rubbed at the sore area, but if the doctor was delivering more pain medication he was almost relieved, he did feel like crap.

" Lie down Jimbo, it's time for another nap." Bones reached over and assisted his friend back into a lying position, " Get some rest while I work on getting you better."

" I hate those things." he slurred as his eyes started to close.

" I know you do but dammit Jim you need to rest." Bones reached down and covered his friend with the sheet again. He was worried, something was definitely wrong with the captain and it was up to him to figure it out.

**The Bridge**

Spock sat in the captain's chair, he couldn't help but to worry about his friend, a word that he had never had the pleasure of having said or thought before but James T Kirk had become his best friend, along with Dr McCoy and his colorful language skills.

He starred at the screen, almost oblivious to his surroundings, something Vulcans rarely could be accused of but his concern for Jim was weighing heavily on his mind. He had spoken to Dr McCoy earlier that morning regarding the captain's condition, he had been vague, almost cryptic in his wording. Jim was suffering from an unknown illness and he was dealing with it the best he could.

" Captain!" Sulu's call for his attention brought him from his inner thoughts and onto the current reason for his pilot's concern. The ship suddenly jolted and those standing lost their balance and fell harshly to the floor.

" What's happening Mr Sulu?" Spock questioned his second as he stood and walked over to the navigational controls, stunned by what he was seeing on the screen. There was an entire fleet of Andorian ships, they were surrounded, but they had not been there minutes before and now they were completely cut off and their warp drive had been interrupted.

" Dat es nat possible Captain." Chekov stated, stunned by the new revelation that they were surrounded by a hostile group of Andorian slave trader's ships.

" It clearly is possible Mr Chekov, very possible indeed." he turned towards his communications specialist, needing not only her strength as his partner but a quick and concise answer, " Is there any communication from any of the ships Lieutenant Uhura?" Spock was all professional now, the well being of the crew at stake and his captain in sick bay with an unknown illness. He was in charge now and he had to make the right calls.

" No Captain, they are silent." she stated as she turned to take a look at the surrounding ships on the large screen, all of which together had the fire power to bring down the Enterprise.

" Suddenly the hailing frequency let out a loud screech when the angry face and then the voice of Arech appeared, static intertwined with the venomous voice, "Where is your Captain? Hiding?" his voice filled with an acidic tone.

" Our captain is not available at this time, I am acting Captain Spock. May I inquire to the reason why you have our ship surrounded?"

" Because I can." the Andorian smiled a sardonic grin that would have caused most to run and hide.

"Then may I also remind you that you are placing the Andorian Peace Treaty at stake of being nullified and void with your actions Mr Areck. That will not rest well with the Andorian High Council who have worked hard at keeping peace with the Federation." Spock spoke in a way that the Andorian knew he meant business with a splice of his own good Vulcan manners interlaced.

" I will only speak with Captain Kirk. I will ask only once more." he starred into the viewing screen, and with a pointed conviction to get what he wanted, he asked again," Where is Kirk?" The Andorian looked confused to why he was speaking with the second in command but getting rather pissed that he was being avoided by the man he loathed.

" Like I said before, the Captain is unavailable at this time. And again my I inquire as to your intentions regarding our ship?" Spock stepped closer to the screen, wanting to bring the Andorian's full attention to himself and not the crew.

"If your Captain will not oblige me by having this conversation on screen then I have no choice. Tell your Captain that I will allow the Enterprise to be on its way, all I ask is that he comes and join me for a little one on one discussion."

" I am afraid that will not be possible, our Captain will not allow you to use him as a pawn." Spock responded, a feeling of anger welling up inside of him,.

" Then I have no choice then, I'm afraid that we will not be able to allow your ship to continue on its way. We are slave traders and we are willing to trade the safety of your ship for a little conference with your Captain. Consider it, tell your Captain that he has one hour til we destroy him and his blasted ship . We both know how much the Captain loves the lady." Arech smiled into the screen before it suddenly went blank.

Spock knew if the captain went on board the alien ship to talk with Arech that he would not return and the safety of the Enterprise and her crew would not be insured either way. He needed to speak with the Captain. He turned to head towards the turbolift, time was short and he had to make a plan. He placed Sulu in charge of the conn and left the bridge. He needed to speak to Jim.

**Medical**

Spock entered the medbay with a purpose, time was running out for the ship and its crew. He had to know if the Andorian was bluffing, a word that Jim liked to use when speaking of the man named Arech, yet he still had a difficult time with the terminology. He also knew that he had to be careful not to tell Jim everything that the man had said, Jim had a problem with sacrificing himself for the well being of the crew. He would have to word it in a fashion that wouldn't warrant alarm.

He walked towards Dr McCoy's office, wanting to get an update first.

" Spock!" Jim's voice echoed through the empty room.

Spock stopped, hands folded behind his back, and a look of surprise on his face. " Captain, I wasn't expecting you to be awake."

" I'm sure Bones wasn't either or he would have already used his power of injecting some drug into my system to knock my ass out." He raised up off the bed, feeling so much better than he had the last time he had been awake. " How's the ship?" A look of concern crossed his already tired features.

Familiar words that stunned him, it was as if Jim and the ship had a connection, if the ship was in trouble the captain could sense it, just as he knew she was dying not to long ago and gave his own life to save her,_ there had to be a connection._

" I have an urgent situation that I need to speak to you about Captain." Spock's demeanor remained stoic, distant, it would give him the edge in talking about Arech.

Jim's head shot up and he looked at Spock with an intense glare, his blue shining with fever, " What's wrong with my ship?"

" The Enterprise is currently fine Captain but the Andorian has returned to create a problem, he seems to be obsessed with seeing you." He wanted to deliver the message in a more subtle way but there really was no time to deal with going slowly, the direct manner was the best way.

" What about Arech? What the hell has he done now?" he demanded.

" It seems that the Andorian desires to have a meeting with you on his ship and is currently holding the Enterprise in a most compromising position." Spock continued to deliver the bad news to his not so well captain.

Jim now had his feet on the floor, reaching for his boots and his gold shirt that had been laid aside. " Compromising position, Spock? What the hell he is doing now?"

" The Andorian has surrounded our ship with an armada of ships and is currently threatening to destroy us if we do not comply with his demands." Spock reluctantly gave the details, he had mentally planned on going through Doctor McCoy and leaving out the more immediate details.

" Son of a bitch! That damned Andorian needs to leave my ship alone!" Jim replied as he was already heading out the door, Spock following right behind him, surprised that the captain could move so fast after being ill for the past thirty-six point four hours.

Spock glanced back to see if the good doctor had returned and felt more than bad that he had caused his captain mental anguish in his weakened condition. He then turned to catch up with his friend, he knew it was going to be a difficult next few minutes and he knew that Dr McCoy was going to surgically remove his tongue when he caught up with them.

…...

_**Okay, I am moving a little slow on the diagnosis but most people know I have a medical background so that part is coming with a lot of whump for our captain. But we must deal with Arech again and his games. I love my readers...they are so smart! Thank you again for all of the reviews, they made my day. Hope I don't disappoint...I have a lot more research to do in the world of Star trek so forgive if I'm not quite there yet.**_


	3. Chapter 3

**Bridge**

The captain made his way to the bridge in record time, he was angry at the man who felt he could manipulate him the way he had fifteen years ago. A man who had lied to him before and he had no doubt that he would again.

" Lieutenant, hail the Captain of the Andorian ship." Jim instructed, his fevered eyes seemed brighter now as he took the captain's chair and starred into the screen, his only thought was the safety of his crew.

The face of the man he loathed came on screen, and the crew couldn't help but to see the look of satisfaction on the alien's face at having bullied their captain.

" Guess I got your attention Jimmy." the Andorian stood and walked closer to his communication screen. " We need to talk about some old business, son."

Jim cringed at the term son, the man hadn't used that word since there first visit fifteen years before, on a planet he would rather just forget. He bit his lip, attempting to hold onto some sense of control, this man knew how to push his buttons.

" And what conversation do we need to have that we haven't had before?" the Captain's voice was tinged with a mix of anger and hate. Hate for a man that he had previously dealt with as a desperate teen not so long ago.

"Does the name Carla Ann ring a bell?" The man gave Jim his best smile, the one he had given him when he had lied to him on Tarsus IV.

Jim's face went pale, even more than it already was, and he felt a pain rip through his gut at hearing her name, " Not here." he quickly responded, " I will come there." His voice was not longer that of a strong captain but that of a thirteen year old boy that had lost his best friend.

" I knew you would see it my way. I will send you the coordinates to my ship." he smiled a large toothless grin, " And tell your second that if anybody else attempts to come, they will be shot on site. You do understand my need for privacy in this matter?"

" I'll come alone." Jim replied solemnly. The screen went blank and the captain swayed for a second but immediately regained his composure. He never thought he would hear that name again, at least from the man who swore that he had nothing to do with her disappearance off Tarsus IV.

" I do not believe it wise for you to go on his ship Captain. Areck is not to be trusted and I highly doubt that he is a man of his word." Spock started, knowing that he was already going to get a verbal beating from a certain doctor, but if he allowed the man to leave the ship in his weakened condition, the doctor would surely kill him.

"Spock, we both know that the situation calls for diplomacy and since I have dealt with Areck in the past then I will be the best one to deal with him now. Trust me Spock." he patted him on the shoulder and moved towards the lift.

" Please, Captain." Spock spoke it quietly, a plea that he wanted his captain to hear, he could not help but to be overwhelmed with a fear that he might lose his friend again.

The quiet plea from his first officer got his attention and he turned and looked at his second with a sadness that he had not seen prior or since the moment before he died in that room, alone. He had watched his friend's anguish, saw tears that he thought Vulcan's were incapable of producing and he never wanted to cause the man that much pain again but he had to find out what Areck knew about a g_irl that had trusted him to keep her safe, only to fail her._

" I have to Spock." his only response as he proceeded forward, not wanting to get into details regarding Tarsus IV, a secret life that he did not wish to share with anyone, other than the one who had looked at his medical records and recognized that he had been a victim of extreme abuse and neglect.

" Captain, please. We could attempt to out maneuver their ships, there has to be another way." the Vulcan heard himself plea, he did not want to risk loosing the man again.

" Trust me on this Spock. The man will not kill me, he owes me that much." Jim countered as he entered the lift, the crew looking on as he announced his destination. "Transporter Room."

Jim knew that Areck couldn't be trusted but he also knew the man would not kill him, his confidence on that assumption came from an act of heroism long before he had ever met his second in command. The man owed him his life and the man would never break a blood oath,of that he was sure. An Andorian would rather die than to break an oath of blood.

" Are you sure of that Captain?" Spock questioned, knowing that his captain had a way of pissing people off in the past and the many attempts on his life, he too had come close to ending his captain's life just a few years ago.

" Pretty sure, Spock." he answered, fairly confident in his answer, but on the other hand, he could be looking at the beating of his life. Regardless, it was a chance he was willing to take for information on a girl he had lost not so long ago, in a world he attempted to forget every day of his life.

Spock started to enter the lift, he needed to convince his captain that it was unwise to deal with such a man as Areck. His human side was taking over, he needed to protect his friend.

Suddenly there was a loud shrill that broke the standoff between the two men and a familiar voice interrupted, " Spock! Where the hell is my patient?"

Spock looked nervous, he had never heard the good doctor that angry before.

" Now you've pissed him off." he gave Spock a grin as the door was about to close.

Spock only hesitated a moment then quickly regained his focus and entered beside his captain. He was definitely in trouble with the doctor.

**Transporter Room**

Jim had mounted a weapon, his locator and an automated GPS onto his belt and had hidden a knife in his boot, a trick he had learned as a thirteen old on Tarsus IV. Scottie was at the controls mumbling in his Scottish accent about stupid captains that put their lives at risk, a dark look on his face as he punched in the coordinates, his words punctuating every number he hit.

Spock was at his side still attempting to convince him that there had to be another way but it was when the doors slid open to a infuriated doctor with a medical staff armed with hyposprays and a gurney that really got the man's attention.

" What the hell do you think you're doing Jim. That bastard would rather kill you than look at your sorry ass." his voice bellowed out as he made his way towards his patient, a hypo ready in his hand.

" Spock, Scottie, give us a moment." The captain instructed nervously as he eyed the doctor. The two men looked at him pleadingly to listen to the doctor, Jim's friend.

" Please." his voice calmer as he needed some time alone with Bones.

The two men nodded in unison then exited, and took with them the medical staff. Bones just stared at the weakened man in front of him, hoping that he would be able to talk some kind of sense into the man.

"What are you thinking Jim? That you somehow can talk some sense into a piece of shit like Areck, a man who sells human flesh for profit?" He shook his head, edging closer to where the captain stood.

" I know him from Tarsus 1V." Jim said with a look of pain that Bones hadn't seen before. " It's about Carla Ann. I have to know, Bones."

His words may not have meant much to the others but Bones had a sudden sickening feeling in his stomach, and a feeling of increased protectiveness came over him.

" Then the more reason not to go onto that damned ship, Jim. We both know what this could do to you in your current condition. You can't risk you life again for information on a girl that you felt was your responsibility. Dammit Jim you were just a kid yourself, thirteen." He attempted to change his friend's mind, wanting to jab the hypospray into his friend's fool neck and drag him back to sickbay where he belonged.

" If he knows something then it will be worth the risk. I failed her before, I won't do it again. She deserves closure." he walked up to the transporter pad and turned to face his friend.

"She's dead, Jim. You have to let her go, Areck is just playing you." Bones continued, he was about to run up and tackle the man and then proceed to beat some sense into him when a shrill came over his communicator demanding his attention and as he reached down to answer it when he heard a noise behind him.

Suddenly the doors reopened and the other men returned, Bones' facial expression told them both that he had be unsuccessful at convincing the captain he was making a bad decision regarding trusting Areck in any way .

"Jim, don't do this." Bones attempted one last plea.

" I can't Bones, I could never live with that decision." he looked over at his engineer, whom he could swear had been crying and gave the order, " Beam me over, Scottie."

Scottie hesitated, hoping that one of the two men standing there with their mouths agape would at least knock some kind of sense into the kid.

" That's an order Scottie!" his voice demanding, very unlike the captain he knew.

" Aye, aye Captain." he reluctantly hit the button and the swirls began and within seconds the Captain was gone and Bones, along with a certain Vulcan, was about to reek havoc on a certain Scotsman.

The communicator let out another shrill, it was the lab.

Bones interrupted his glare at Scottie to answer the damned insistent communicator and his face went pale, "Dammit! That can't be correct." he closed the device and looked at the other two men with a look of horror, " Get Jim back here now! His tests came back positive for meningit_is."_

**A short chapter for those who are following. I have to work today but I got up early so I could write you guys something for the weekend. Thanks again for your support in my first effort at Star Trek fanfiction. You guys really are the best. And for those who are curious, you can mentally pronounce Areck as R'rick. Thanks again!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Andorian Ship**

As Jim materialized, his legs failed him and he fell to his knees with such a harshness that he almost thought he had broken a bone or two. He felt dizzy, lightheaded, and the pain in his head that had been a low roar was now a clap of thunder with a lot of lightening thrown in for fun. In simple terms, his head really, really hurt.

"Shit." he heard himself pant, suddenly feeling short of breath and his skin burned with an intensity only delivered by a very high fever. He hadn't felt this bad minutes prior but now he was being inundated with symptoms and he felt like crap.

He quickly placed his hands on his head and clinched each side of his forehead in an attempt to soothe it, but he failed miserably. He silently wished Bones was nearby with some potent drug to relieve his agony, he just wanted it to stop hurting.

At least he was thankful for the little things, someone had evidently forgotten to pay the electric bill because the room was darker than most basements. The room actually looked like one of those dark, creepy basements he had seen in old Earth movies, the classics he like to call them.

His vision wasn't doing him well either, it was blurred with halos around the edges, making it difficult to make out anybody or anything within ten feet. He knew he was in deep shit before the creature behind him grabbed him suddenly and brought him to his feet, then with its cold, clawed hand held onto him tightly.

" Well, Kirk you are many things but I have to give it to you, JT, you are definitely a man of your word." Areck voice echoed loudly off the metal walls as he entered the room, he quickly reached down and took the captain's weapon and communicator. The GPS device was overlooked and remained hanging on Jim's belt and the knife in Jim's boot was also overlooked, two things that even in Jim's present state was realized, but at the moment he couldn't use it to his advantage.

The man laughed as he noted that the captain was all alone and that he was not well. " Aren't they feeding you well son, you look like crap! Hell, you look almost as bad as you did on Tarsus IV." his loud voice and his rancid breath was causing Jim's headache to escalate to a higher level of agony, and bile to rise to the back of his throat.

" So, Jimmy, you're a captain now. Though I do have a problem believing that you and JT could ever have been the same person. He was more of a man, a real challenge. But you, you are weak and vulnerable, something that JT would never have been accused of being." the alien taunted the captain, attempting to get a rise of the ill man and by the look of the scowl on Jim's face and the rigidity in his weakened muscles he knew that he was hitting a nerve.

Jim said nothing though, he couldn't, his headache had increased ten fold and his whole body ached, and all he wanted to do was to tell the Andorian to go to hell but instead, he just lost consciousness and went limp in the alien creature's arms.

**The Enterprise**

"I'm trying to get a location on the captin but I'm having a wee bit of difficulty locating him righ' now. His communicator is not functionin' or has been cut off. I'm doing the best I can Doctor." Scottie attempted to soothe the irate doctor who was threatening his well being with words that included disembowel, amputate and some more graphic medical terms that could jeopardize his manhood, all the while making his point and to let him know if anything happened to their friend that his own health would suffer greatly.

" Dammit man, you just beamed him to their ship, he can't be that far away from his original location you moron!" McCoy yelled at the engineer who was doing his best to locate the very ill man.

If he could find him he would do it immediately but he couldn't locate him using the damned communicator, maybe he could find the GPS device, he thought to himself as his fingers hit the buttons on the console board furiously. Didn't the doctor know that he would do whatever it took to get their friend back on board?

"Maybe if we stop the name calling, calm down and allow Mr Scott to do his job he can be more productive." Spock added, his hands interlaced behind him, his stance appeared relaxed but inside the man felt tormented for putting Jim's life in danger. When was he going to learn that his friend was an oxymoron, someone who put his life behind everybody else's, yet expected nobody else to do the same. He would have to have a discussion with the captain once he was returned and was feeling better.

Bones turned and pointed at the Vulcan, pain etched on his face, his voice raw and his southern draw evident, "Don't even get me started on you, you damned green hobgoblin. You're the one that got Jim out of sickbay and informed him that some maniacal son of a bitch was threatening to blow up his damned ship." Bones was on a rampage, his friend could die and he would be all alone on a damned alien ship if or when he died this time. 'Dammit', the thought of his friend dying again was enough to push him over the edge.

Bones continued, barely taking a breath between each statement. "Don't you remember the last time the damned ship was endangered? Do you not remember what he did? He died Spock and dammit I won't allow that to happen again!" he slammed his hand down on the console startling the engineer who mentally and physically jumped at the invasion of his concentration.

" Areck appeared to be very serious at the time but as I look back on it now I might have made a serious error in judgment and I will take full responsibility for the Captain's predicament." he paused and brought himself closer to the doctor, wanting to convey to him that he too was concerned for their captain's well being, something that the man should already know well. Hell, hadn't he almost died attempting to take revenge on Khan for the captain's demise?

Spock continued as he stopped his forward motion, focusing on calming his voice, wanting to speak in a reassuring tone, " Leonard, we have to allow Mr Scott's attempt to bring him back on board. I'm sure if anybody can do it will be our Mr Scott." Spock had to believe that his engineer could retrieve their friend, he felt great guilt and it was only increased exponentially upon finding out that Jim was very ill, _gravely ill_.

Bones lowered his voice, it was now more a low guttural growl. "You could've just blown his ass out of the sky and moved the ship through those tin cans of his, Spock. Are we not the freaking USS Enterprise, the best damned ship out of the whole Federation fleet?" Bones shook his head at the idiocy of the second in command, he raised a shaky hand and raked it through through his hair, frustration mixed with anger was overwhelming his ability to think. He couldn't even fathom why the pointy eared bastard had even allowed Jim to place his life in danger, again.

He needed to concentrate on Jim's health for now, he gave the Vulcan one last piercing glare then walked away taking his PADD with him. Jim was their priority he needed to get facts about the illness and treatment, he started tapping numbers furiously into the keypad. Bones needed to see Jim's blood cultures himself, he had to know for sure what type of meningitis he was dealing with, it could mean the difference between Jim living and dying. The very thought of his friend dying was almost too much for him to handle, again. "Damned martyr." he mumbled under his breath as he brought up Jim's information on the screen.

His eyes grew wide at what he was seeing, choreomeningitis. " What the hell?"

**Somewhere on Areck's Ship**

A cool hand touched his face, he attempted to push open the long lashes that covered fevered blue eyes but they were swollen shut, his vision wasn't working anyways so he settled for the time being on just keeping them closed, blind to the possible dangers around him.

He squelched down the fear that the darkness caused and concentrated on those senses he had fined tuned on Tarsus IV. He listened carefully to the sounds around him, a low roar of an engine, a dripping faucet and the sound of someone breathing.

In the silence of the room he felt a presence, but it wasn't threatening. In an instant he knew, her soft breathing pattern, the quiet manner in which she moved around a room, he knew who was there, " Cat?" he inquired, his voice raw and full of emotion.

" JT, it is really you." She came to his side and knelt down beside his metal bed, the room a joke of a made shift hospital for the Andorians. Her calloused hands stroked his head, her deformed fingers running through his sweat drenched hair. It felt so good to be near him again, to be able to touch him, to be able to know that he was safe.

Areck had told her he was dead, as were the other nine children under his care and she had accepted the news only after he had brought her JT's blood drenched shirt.

" I thought you were dead. I thought we had lost you forever." the emotion in his voice and the pain that darkened his face spoke volumes. He had felt responsible for her abduction, but Areck had denied that he had taken her to sell, that he too was a victim of what was happening on the colony under Kodos' rule. He had been fooled.

The young woman was attempting to be tough, not allowing the pain she had endured in captivity for the past fifteen years to slip through her tough resolve but just the presence of her first and only love broke down the barriers that she had so carefully built up over the years and a stream of tears ran down her scarred face. They continued flowing further down her neck to the metal collar attached to scarred, reddened skin; skin that had been disfigured from years of wearing the attachment. Her skin bore the scars of her captivity, her beauty long lost, unseen since Tarsus IV and her innocence shattered when she was only thirteen, _still just a child._

His eyes still unable to open he could only consume the beauty of her soft, caring voice. The feelings of so long ago resurfaced, and so did the pain of losing her. " I'm so sorry, Cat. If I had only known I would have hunted him down and I would've killed him. I swear to you." Jim's body shivered against the cold metal on which he had been placed, He really didn't care about the pain in his head, his only thought was that Cat was alive.

His shaky hand reached up to find her curls, but found only air. Her long blonde hair had been the color of the sun and he remembered how soft it felt against his skin as they held onto each other under the stars at night, afraid of a man named Kodos, unaware of other evil men and their intent.

Carla Ann knew what he was reaching for, she remembered. The long curls were gone now, replaced with patches of skin scarred from abuse and neglect. She had no hair now, only scars.

"JT, you need to rest. I need to find a way to get you back to your ship and soon, you are very ill and I'm afraid for your life if you stay." she reached down and gave him a small kiss on his cheek, to which Jim blushed like a young boy.

" I knew you still had a crush on me." he teased as he had so many years ago and his small laugh afterward quickly turned in a rapid round of gut wrenching coughs.

She had seen him ill before, had nursed his many wounds and had attempted many times to heal the pain of a broken youth, but JT was a product of years of abuse even before she had known him and he seemed to accept his life without complaint.

" You're just as juvenile as you were when I left you fifteen years ago." she teased back as she took the now warm cloth from his head and replaced it with a new one, helping him to settle back down on the cold metal table after his round of coughing.

" Yeah, I guess I am but now I can actually act on those teen hormones." his voice was broken at points due to the pain of a raw throat caused by the deep wet coughs that eminated from his now congested chest but he gave her his best fevered smile and squeezed her hand gently .

" That I would love to see JT, but if I remember correctly you were a pretty good damned kisser even then." her heart was breaking at what could have been if they had been rescued, if she hadn't spent fifteen years living in hell, a prisoner of Areck, a man who sold flesh as one would sell food.

She started to rise to attempt to find a way out for her friend. She knew the abuse of Areck too well and she also knew that he would find great pleasure in killing the young man lying on the makeshift bed. Her hand stroked his face one more time, she wanted to make sure he wasn't her imagination, that it was really him. When satisfied that he was real, Cat then stood and proceeded to find a way to save her friend.

" Cat?" his voice broke, worried when she left his side, he was afraid more for her safety than his own.

" I'm here JT." She soothed as she looked around the medical room for a weapon to use when her captor returned.

" We need a defense against him. He will kill you JT, he tends to brag when he is drunk, he wants you dead." Cat continued to talk as she looked for a weapon, then it dawned on her, the JT she remembered always had a weapon hidden in his boot. She hurried over and reached inside and felt the cold metal against the tips of her fingers."Some things never change." she whispered as she removed the knife and slid it into her tattered dress.

" Be careful Cat." he warned as he attempted to raise up from the metal table but was unsuccessful. His hand accidentally brushed up against the GPS device still mounted on his belt and he realized that he had a way to signal his ship. His fingers slid across the plastic case and he hit the button to show his location, they would be rescued momentarily." I'm taking you with back to the ship with me, you'll love it there. My lady will make sure you feel at home." he smiled again, hoping that he didn't look too much like a goofy kid.

She smiled at the words lady when used in describing his ship, she could not help but to be so proud of the man JT had become, and he was a captain of his own ship, she knew he would be great one day.

Suddenly the room was filled with noise, an angry man shouting and in Jim's darkened world he could only hear the cries of that man, a body hitting the floor and then there was only silence.

" Cat, you okay?" Jim called out her name, panic filled his mind at what had occurred, unable to live with her death if it was to protect him, He slid down off the table and stumbled to the floor, feeling around for his long lost partner, his would be lover, his best friend.

" You have to leave, JT." Cat's voice whispered, working desperately to get the words out, the wound to her chest causing air in what was left of her lungs to push out the words, as she worked at getting the GPS signal device off of Jim's belt with her blood soaked hands and making sure it was on correctly and the settings were accurate.

" You didn't answer my question Cat. Are you okay?" His hands were searching for her but she avoided them, the tattered dress now drenched in blood, a mixture of Areck's and her own. She had accomplished her mission and now all she wanted was JT safe and away from her hell. She hesitated before handing him the device, and spoke softly, " I'll be fine. You need to go back to your ship, they need you and you them." Carla Ann was succeeding in hiding the pain of her fatal wound as she placed the GPS device back onto Jim's belt.

" I won't leave you here Cat, not again." his hands found her face and he brought it closer to his own, her lips closer to his, then finding each other their mouths touched and in a hungry fury they came together and he gave her a deep and longing kiss, even in his weakened condition he found the strength to show her that he loved her, that he had always loved her and that he needed her after all the years.

" I love you Cat." he whispered between deep, longing, passionate kisses. " I've waited so long to kiss you, and I want to make love to you. Cat, will you marry me?" he asked, he knew there was no other, he had always known that if she were alive that they had to be together.

" I have always loved you too, JT and I always will. I would marry you JT, but I can't. Not in this world." her voice hitched, breathless from the passion and the love she finally felt in her heart for a man she had inwardly loved all these years. Her hands slipped down into his and her eyes closed, her dying form going limp from blood loss. She held on as tight as she could to the man JT, her love grew for him as the blood poured from the wound in her chest and as she felt her life drain from her body in those final few seconds she experienced the happiest moments of her life.

" Cat, Cat!" his voice was panicked because only then did Jim realize that the woman he loved was injured, and as her body went limp, and the life left her body, the swirls of the transporter beamed them away.

**I hope you like this part, it was difficult to write, JT is a character usually betrayed as rough and tough but I wanted to bring out his softer side. Thank you again for all of the reviews and follows. I do appreciate your support of this story. Thank you. More to come Tuesday.**


	5. Chapter 5

Scottie looked over as the bodies appeared on the transporter pad, stunned at the bloody appearance of his friend and the person lying in his arms. "What the bloody hell?" he cursed as he thought that his captain had been mortally injured.

Bones was there in a second, his respirator on to aid in protecting him from the deadly virus, giving orders for his medical team to get Jim into the isolation bed.

In shock of seeing Jim holding a dead woman, he had to ask," What the hell happened Jim?" the appearance of his friend holding a very dead woman was shocking but he had to act, time was of the essence, he almost had to pry the lifeless body of the woman from Jim's arms, his friend putting up a weak fight against him taking her from his grip.

" Jim, you have to let her go. I need to take you back to medical." he attempted to explain to a fevered mind.

" Take care of her, Bones." he moaned as his friend examined him, running his tricorder along Jim's body, making sure the blood was not his and when Bones found no wounds evident, he was relieved. Jim had enough on his plate right now to deal with and that didn't include having a life threatening wound.

Bones looked up at Spock, who also had donned the protective device , and shook his head. The woman was dead, a phaser wound to the chest, a gaping hole through her heart and he immediately knew, there was nothing he could do for the woman, he had to focus on his friend.

" Listen, I'll do whatever I can, Jim." he lied, as his concern riveted up a notch when he felt the hot skin of his friend and noted his very labored breathing. The sounds of fluid and infection filling Jim's lungs was undeniable. He would definitely need to be intubated in the near future.

" Her name is Carla Ann Therian. " he panted out in short gasps, he felt so short of breath , but regardless he felt a need to tell Bones who she was and what she meant to him, "She was on Tarsus IV, she was/is my best friend." he mumbled, still unable to open his swollen eyes. He could sense that something bad had happened to Cat but he knew Bones would do his best to save her, just as he had done for him not so long ago.

" What the hell are you guys just standing there for, let's get him to medbay!" Bones shouted, the room now filled with medical technicians and nurses who were shocked at the appearance of the younger woman but scrambled to do what was commanded of them.

Spock quickly moved from a standing to squatting position and assisted in lifting Jim away from the body of the dead woman and into the isolation chamber. Bones hit a few buttons to the isolation container and the unit closed. As they started out the door Bones could not help but to getting a feeling of deja vu. "Here we go again, Jim." he spoke it mostly to himself but Spock's acute hearing picked up on the words and he too felt a sense of fear regarding his friend's condition.

Bones glanced back at Spock, they both knew in that moment that Jim was going to have problems with something more devastating than the illness, and it made them both worried.

Within seconds they were out the door and on their way to medical, Spock and Mr Scott were left behind.

They were both an emotional wreck, they had been here before. No words were spoken this time, no emotional relief was to be had, they both knew it was going to be a difficult road for their friend.

Spock turned, removing the protective mask and walked quickly over to the body of the young woman. She looked like some image from a textbook about the holocaust, an event that took place under a man named Hitler, he had read about it in the American history books.

At a closer look he noticed that her hair had been roughly removed, evidenced by small patches that still lingered, her skin was a pale gray and her eyes sunken into her head. The vivid scars were what caught his attention the most, deep gouges in her face and arms. The calloused areas around her wrists, neck and ankles showed years of confinement with harsh instruments of captivity and torture. The rest of her body covered by a blood stained, tattered dress that was the length of her body but he guessed that underneath it lie even more horrors of extreme abuse.

Spock took a deep breath, he wondered how he would handle this current situation. He had to determine if the man, beast, Areck was still alive and then he would deal with the Andorians that had caused his Captain, his best friend, such duress. It was time to take some action. He turned and left, leaving behind Mr Scott to attend to the body.

Since the moment he had beamed up the Captain and the young lassie he could not stop but to think that James Kirk always found trouble. From Nero to Khan Jim always brought out some of the worse traits of his enemies.

He would never understand how man could be so cruel. He shook his head and wondered if this woman was someone that his friend had once loved, her body now horribly deformed from extreme abuse and neglect. Someone was going to pay dearly, that he was completely sure of, he knew the Captain's sense of loyalty well. Scottie knelt down beside the still woman, her congealed blood still oozing from the ghastly wound and he covered his face, a feeling of anger rose up inside him and he cried.

**Medical**

The staff quickly placed the isolation container into the negative pressure room, after placing him on the biobed they quickly drew a triage panel of blood and urine . started an intravenous line then disappeared leaving Bones alone to examine his patient, his friend. They all knew that he needed a few minutes alone with Jim.

Monitors started incessantly blaring and lights flashed, multiple concerning numbers screaming for his attention all at once. Each vital sign showing that he was dealing with a very ill man.

His hands started working before his brain could actually clear away the last few minutes of seeing Jim lying in a pool of blood, Cat's blood, but then he was Doctor McCoy again, shouting orders to his staff.

" Dammit Jim, your fever is over a hundred and four, and your damned CT scan is showing possible encephalitis. Do you ever do anything easy man?" His hands were busy injecting hyposrays of steroids, pain killers, antipyret_ics _and if he had an antibiotic that Jim wasn't so deathly allergic he would have injected it also.

He would have to convert to old medicine for this diagnosis. " I need a spinal needle and we also need to also dose him with Benadryl one-hundred milligrams intramuscular and he'll need a thousand milligrams of acetaminophen."

He would have to deliver the antiviral medications intrathecally, a combination of antivirals and antibiotics for the encephalopathy and lung infection, it would avoid the blood brain barrier therefore allowing the medication that he so needed to reach the brain. It would not be a good experience for Jim but when had anything ever been easy for his friend?

The nurse looked at the doctor with confusion, those orders hadn't been given in years, actually over a hundred years. "Don't question it just do it, dammit?" he yelled at the older nurse who knew that his bark was way worse than his bite.

" How do you want to administer the oral meds it in his condition, doctor?" she asked, knowing that she would be having to place a very archaic device called a nasogastric tube.

" I'll place a peg tube instead of a nasogastric tube, it's hard to tell how long he'll not be eating with this fever so I surgically place the feeding device to deliver his nutritional supplement and his medications." he explained to his staff as his hands continued to stay busy caring for his friend.

He will also need to be on a regimen of anti-inflammatory and anti viral drugs." McCoy explained as he reached for an intubation tray, Jim's oxygen sats were getting critically low and it would only be a matter of time before he would have to place the tube into his trachea and suction out the secretions that seemed to be building up in his lungs and clogging his airway.

" Yes, doctor. Right away Doctor." the nurse replied,she would have to use the replicator and the medical indexes to retrieve the devices that would be used to assist in the captain's recovery. She couldn't help but to be concerned for the man struggling just to breathe on the biobed, she knew she had to act quickly. She left the room to gather the supplies.

The screaming monitors were about to unnerve him so he reached up and silenced them, he could only do one thing at a time, his basic training kicking in, ___airway, breathing and circulation_, the rest of his ailments would have to get in line.

" Okay buddy, I have to put this damned tube down your throat again, you probably don't remember the last time either, but it was less than a year and a half ago. I really thought I was going to lose you a hundred times, and that was just the first night. Hell, you put us through the ringers trying to continue your radioactive poisoning death shit, too bad this stubborn country doctor won't recognize the term ___'give up'_as part of his vocabulary."

Bones reflected on Jim's experience with death by radiation as he hit the button on the IV that would deliver the paralyzing drug and IV sedation that would allow Jim not to fight the damned tube, and then he worked on sliding the smooth device down his all too compliant friend's throat, he was continuing his smooth talking skills as he worked.

" I'm a doctor dammit, not a magician. You keep pulling this shit and one of these days I'm going to have to be committed." he mumbled as he guided the tube into place, glancing at the monitors as he saw the tube reach its destiny.

The human brain is an enigma at best, he thought to himself, as he worked at getting an airway established, Jim's numbers below the mandatory levels compatible with human life. It is the auditory senses that are always the last sense to leave the body as it is dying, and it is the only chance when all else fails to convince your patient to hang onto life, to hang onto sanity. He knew his friend was listening, so he continued to talk.

" I know you love Cat but you need to listen to me Jim, if you have any damned sense in that skull of yours left you know that what I am about to say needs to be said." He hoped he wouldn't die and go to hell for what he was about to do, but he was pretty sure he would, " If you want to see her again, you will hang on. You hear me, Jim?" he demanded of his friend as he hooked the device to Jim's tube, taping it into place, then securing it with a plastic device that wrapped around his head. He then set the dials to deliver twelve to fourteen breaths a minute. When he was satisfied with the improved saturation numbers he continued to his next task.

He reached for the lazer cutter and cut away the clothing that still covered the still body on the table, tossing them across the room so that he would have complete access to Jim's entire body. He walked over to a shelf and grabbed a surgical kit and then a bottle of antiseptic and removed the lid, pouring the red tinted medication over Jim's abdomen.

" I know you don't remember this little gem, I took it out before you awakened last time, hopefully we'll be able to do the same this time. It ain't pretty but it'll do the job." he continued talking to the unconscious man, the state of oblivion caused from a mixture of infusing drugs and the inflammation in his brain, at least this time it wasn't radiation poisoning and death.

He quickly placed the sterile field over Jim's abdomen and made an incision, placing the instrument inside and blowing up the balloon to keep it in place, then using an old fashioned stitch he secured it to Jim's skin. A peg device was a little ancient but it had been a very effective way to deliver nutrition and medication, for Jim it was a lifeline. He placed a sterile dressing over the site and then moved to the next objective.

" Okay, you are going to really hate what I'm going to do next but it is for your own good Jimbo." he looked down at his friend's still labored breathing and pressed a button to deliver a breathing treatment into the breathing apparatus. He had to get the man's lungs to work somewhat better or the machine was useless.

He discarded the remains of the surgical tray, cleaned Jim's abdomen off and pulled out another tray, he would need to place a urinary catheter, he would need to measure his urine output. It was done quickly, keeping Jim's privacy intact. "Sorry buddy, it was a necessary procedure." He then placed a sheet over his friend's body, what he had to do next was necessary and he hoped that he wouldn't cause his friend too much discomfort.

" Listen, I need to place a needle into your spinal cord to remove some spinal fluid and to start delivering your medications, and it won't be a very pleasant experience, but it is the only way." he wanted to warn Jim of the pain to come, he wanted him to know that it was the only way of possibly curing him of the meningitis, he just hoped that his friend would see it that way once he awakened,___ if he awakened._

_They could make dermal regenerators to mend skin and tissue, machines to mend bone but they couldn't discover an medication that the human body wouldn't totally reject, especially Jim's body._

Several nurses entered, more supplies in hand, they knew that their captain would have a difficult time with the next procedure, even in his unconscious state.

They gently rolled him to his side, McCoy prepped in sterile gown and gloves then proceeded to mark the area to deliver the large needle to do the spinal tap, as if on key Jim's body arched as the needle hit sensitive nerves, and he would have been screaming out in pain if the tube had not silenced those screams and the paralyzing drug was still in his system.

" I'll have it placed in just a minute, Jim. Hold on son." he soothed as nurses stroked his fevered brow and gave him reassurances. They emotions were riding high as they restrained their captain's hands restricting him from pulling out the doctor's hard work. Every nerve was sensitive, every small pain was exaggerated due to the inflamed meninges.

Jim shook his head, his face etched in pain, his brow creased and his eyes streaming tears due to the inflicted treatment. The lower dosed pain medications were no contest for excruciating pain and McCoy knew that he would have to resort to an induced coma state for his patient, at least for a few days.

" Start the medication drips and the sedative. Also, let's give him a loading dose of steroids too," he instructed, as he went around to see Jim's swollen bright blues staring up at him, shaking his head, not wanting to suffer anymore. It was as if he knew that Cat was gone and so was his will to live. Bones couldn't help but to wonder. if Jim was lucky enough to survive this bout with choreomeningitis if he would be able to survive the mental stress of losing someone he loved as much as Carla Ann.

" Don't start that shit, Jim. You're going to take a nap and get better dammit." he fussed, wanting to communicate to his best friend that he didn't want him to die. He had to find a way to make Jim fight, even if he had to lie through his damned teeth.

" Carla Ann needs you, you do understand that?" he asked as he felt the acid rise in his throat from telling his best friend a lie.

But Jim had a way of ignoring the good doctor, knowing the real truth, that Cat was dead and his life no longer had meaning. The monitors burst into a blaring cacophony of noise and then Jim's heart rhythm went erratic, the words of his friend Bones were the last that he heard before all went black.

" Dammit, Jim!"

**Author's Note:**

******I know, cliffhanger, I know. I would like to hear from you if you are reading this story. How am I doing so far? I realized I am making a few errors but I am learning. Thank you, each and every one of you who have reviewed my story. More by Friday. If I remember correctly, choreomeningitis is very painful, I did rewatch the episode recently and that stood out in my mind. Okay guest, I corrected my too early in the morning errors. Thank you.**


	6. Chapter 6

******I am going to take you into another universe in this chapter. I have, after the birth of my last child, experienced that near death moment and I want to convey what it might have been like if James Tiberius Kirk visited a place similar to mine, with one exception, he'll have those around him whom he never had the chance to love.**

******Hope you enjoy.**

**2 Peter 3:8**

**New International Version (NIV)**

******8 ****But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day.**

**Wonder what just a tenth of a second would be like?**

******An unknown place**

Jim opened his eyes, thinking it kind of weird since his eyes had been almost swollen shut just minutes before. He looked around for Bones but he was nowhere to be found and where he was now, well, it was abundantly clear it wasn't the Enterprise.

He jumped to his feet and started to panic, his heart racing and his mind on full alert. It didn't look like Areck's ship but it was vaguely familiar, he had been in this place before. Just a short time ago, when a sudden realization hit him full force, he was back in the peaceful place. He had been here before... when he died saving his ship.

He could not help but to think that the word beauty must have been defined here, and here was an unknown.

It was peaceful and worry free. No decisions, no enemies to worry about, just a sense of being free of pain and without having to experience any pain.

Life had thrown him some fairly significant surprises in his past and he felt that this might be his reward for dealing with the worst of situations and a crappy life in general.

What he had dealt with on Tarsus IV and all of the autrosities he had seen, deaths numbering in the thousands had made his heart harden, and his belief in the goodness of others shattered.

Not only did his childhood literally suck, having been effected by the untimely death of his father, and living with his unloving mother who had given him nothing but bad dreams and an abusive step-father, but also his current life had pretty much bit ass.

Finally, a small part of his his analytical brain felt this was his reward for living in a constant state of being scorned and having to worry that he wasn't good enough to be a captain or to command a star ship called the USS Enterprise. No longer would he have to worry about dealing with the likes of Areck, Kodos, Nero or Khan again.

The death of his father and then his mentor, Admiral Pike... Chris, had damaged him irreparably, caused him great pain. Pain that should never be suffered twice in one lifetime.

His world had been effected by the acts of Areck, Kodos, Nero and Khan, men who had mortal wounds so deep that they had turned against the world, and because of their experiences they had turned into nothing less than pure evil. They had lost their souls and therefore any chance of happiness, anywhere in the universe. These men became monsters, and inadvertently decided to inflict pain upon his already tormented world. _Lucky him_.

But it was over, the suffering of such a short lifetime ago was over and he couldn't help but to feel relieved. He mentally shook his head, attempting to let go of his pain and looked around at the indescribable beauty.

There were thousands of huge trees that were were overwhelmed with the fruit they bore, the sky was a bright, chrystal blue, and there were animals of all types and common and exotic birds that seemed content with just eating in the green fields.

There were no threats, no condemnation, no overwhelming feelings of guilt, just an overwhelming sense of peace.

He knew he had to take advantage of the moment, because the last time he had been ripped away and returned to the world of the he didn't remember much it all was very familiar now.

Bones had to be trying to bring him back, maybe this time he would be lucky and his friend would fail. Hell, why would he want to return? So many times since he had died of radiation poisoning, he had honestly thought Earth and the worlds around it must be hell, a punishment for his wrongs in another lifetime, at least it felt like it anyways. Maybe he was being punished for the sins of his ancestors,_ or something like that._

Regardless of how long he had here, he would enjoy it. Maybe this time Bones would not be successful, and he would finally get his peace, _his rest_.

He sat down on the lush green grass and then lay back and stared up at the white clouds drifting slowly across the bright blue sky. It felt good to be well, to be free of worry and to have that experience of being absolutely safe. He closed his eyes and wished that he had a good book to read, definitely not Paradise Lost but something a little lighter, maybe someone had written a book about a young boy who lost his father and his childhood, only to gain it all back in the end.

A soft noise caught his attention and he quickly opened his eyes, his mind on full alert and he was springing to his feet. Then the origin of the noise caught his eye, he couldn't help but to smile. A small figure stood out in the field and he immediately knew who it was and he started running towards her.

He could hear her giggling,she was acting like the playful thirteen year old he once knew all too well. But now she was older, more beautiful than he ever remembered and he could not help but to laugh at the carefree way she ran away, wanting him to give chase, just as she had before on Tarsus IV.

He followed her into a thick forest of tall, evergreen trees that was intermixed with foliage of bright red, yellows, orange and pink colors. He listened for her laughter, it was music to his ears and when he saw her again she was beside a huge waterfall, and the sun streamed down on her beauty as she entered the warm pool of water, her body bare and uninhibited.

Jim could not help the extraordinary feeling of love mixed with relief. Cat was fine, she was here, she was with him.

Jim didn't hesitate, he was unclothed in a matter of seconds and he dove into the pool and swam to her side. As he surfaced he looked into her bright green eyes, her long curls now soaked and pressed against her body, her perfectly beautiful body. He smiled, a boyish, goofy grin. _She laughed_.

He wanted to grab her, take her into a strong embrace, kiss her deeply and passionately, but he stopped himself, he didn't know if was allowed, so he just stood there soaking in her beauty.

" JT, I am so glad you're here." she whispered, she then reached over and gently touched and caressed his face with both hands. _She had missed him._

He hesitated, because he knew that if she was here then she was dead, her time had come, and he wanted now was to stay here with her, forever.

" I love you Cat." he whispered, both of them knowing it could end any minute and that they had to make each moment count.

" I want to love you forever JT." the emotion in her voice was music to his ears, words he had waited to hear for so long.

" Then forever it will be, Cat." he pulled her to him and he embraced her perfectly beautiful body and she his, and as they pressed against each other they became one, in love and in spirit and that is how they spent their next few moments.

******Present Time**

Jim's body lay on the critical care biobed, hooked to a machine that practically was keeping him alive. In old terms it looked like a heart, lung machine. It pumped his blood, oxygenated it, and then returned it to his weakened body.

Jim's lungs were infected, his fever only controlled due to the cooling element in the biobed's mechanical make-up. It had been two weeks and his friend showed no signs of wanting to wake up, no desire to return to the land of the living.

He scrubbed at the new beard that had taken it's presence on his face and then walked over to the unit and for the thousandth time checked to see if Jim was attempting to allow his own heart to take over the job of the machine, but no such luck. Jim wasn't trying this time.

" Dammit Jim, at least acknowledge that I'm at least attempting to bring you back." his voice hoarse and his throat raw from shouting at the man on the bed. He wanted him to know how pissed he was at his antics of dying on him, again.

" I do believe that our Captain has decided not to return this time." Spock finally spoke, his form standing in the doorway, a look of complete sadness etched on the man's face. He had been watching for several minutes, watching the doctor attempt to mentally will back their captain, it wasn't working.

" Jim, he can be a real bastard at times but he always comes to his senses eventually. I'll wait him out, at least until we get back to Earth in another week." he spoke as he continued to assess Jim.

" And then what, doctor?" he asked as he straightened his posture upon the realization that Jim might not return this time.

Bones looked down at the peaceful look on Jim's face and gave him a brief smile. He knew what he would do, but saying it was difficult. " I'll let him go."

Spock nodded in understanding but could no longer stand there and watch his captain be mechanically ventilated, " I believe it is what he would want, doctor." He turned to leave but Bones was not ready for him to leave without first getting to vent the hell he had been living for the past two weeks.

" Dammit, Spock, it isn't want I want and I doubt highly that it's what you want either. He's just being a stubborn ass, like he was last time. He wants me to work harder at keeping his sorry ass alive." he felt anger at his friend's current state.

" You sound rather, what is the American term? Pissed." Spock came into the room and stood by his friend, his captain and stared down at his quiet form.

" Pissed is an understatement." Bones reached over and hit a few buttons that were blinking, Jim's heart needed a little bit more assistance at circulating his blood.

" It will be a difficult decision but one that you will not make lightly, that I know for sure, doctor." He reached over and touched McCoys shoulder in a gesture of support for whatever had to be done. His own conscience continued to eat away at him, he never should have taken the captain from sick bay, he could have used the nerve pinch to stop him but that is not how they operated. He respected the captain too much and now he would live with his decision and the guilt.

Bones nodded, he knew the day was getting nearer to having to make that decision and he would respect Jim's wish to not return. It would be the most difficult decision he had ever made.

******An Unknown Place**

They spent a while enjoying being together, making love and tasting a world of absolute peace. Now they lay beside each other on the bank of the water's edge just holding each other, taking in each others warm embrace.

Cat looked over to JT, he had his eyes closed, he looked at peace. She really had to try to think of a time she had ever seen him this relaxed and she couldn't remember not one single time.

Cat smiled down at the way his freckles seemed to make him look so young, so much like the young boy she had loved on Tarsus IV. She reached down and touched his skin ever so lightly just to see him twitch. Each little movement , every slight touch elicited a reaction that made her giggle, she was happy.

Cat smiled at the realization of where exactly they were. It was so clear, so perfect and fitting for the end of their journey, their difficult journey.

" Thinking, Cat?" his voice slurred, he was waking up from a short nap. He opened his eyes to see her bright green eyes starring into his, an overwhelming feeling of happiness hit him, it felt awesome.

" Always thinking, about you." she giggled as she rolled over on top of him, so that she could be closer to him, and then she reached down with her lips and kissed him gently, wanting to engage him in another round of making love. His response was more than she expected from someone who had just awakened and she pressed against him even more,as he spread his legs to allow her room to fit in between his, returning her kisses, deeply and passionately.

The act of loving making overtook them again, no words were spoken, they just allowed their bodies to explore each others and the act of gratifying sex was peaked and they rested in each others arms exhausted, spent.

" Wonder where we are" Where is here? I mean, I've been here before and I know it's a good place, my father and Chris greeted me last time, it was so hard to leave them." he finally had the energy to speak again, and he wondered out loud about the place around them.

Cat suddenly pulled away, the smile on her face became brighter, and she moved to get up, wanting to talk suddenly, a movement Jim was surprised at, reluctant at first but then he allowed her to part from him.

Cat reached for her clothing and donned them fairly quickly as did Jim, it was time to talk.

They walked in silence for a while, coming out of the thick forest into an open field again, in the distance a bright light shined, it was a city.

" When I was a little girl, there was a time before my family moved to Tarsus IV, that we went to church. I remember the minister talking about God and his son, Jesus." Her hands intertwined in JT's, she motioned for him to sit, and they made their way over to a large flower bed and they sat down facing each other.

He sat quietly, smiling at her, listening intently.

" I believe we're in Paradise, a place for those who have done good, for those who believe in a higher power." she gave his hand a light squeeze, wanting him to follow her conversation.

Jim smiled back at her, wanting to hear what she had to say.

" I think we died. I think we are here, waiting." she continued to explain.

Jim thought for a moment, his worse thought was true, she had died trying to defend him, trying to save him. A sudden sadness overwhelmed him and he spoke.

" So Bones lied. You did die?" the realization that she had died, she was not in a coma in some hospital, but that she was actually dead caused him to experience pain that he thought he would never feel again, but then he too realized that he probably had also died. And then in an instant it was not so bad, in a way death was okay, _acceptable_.

" There is no way I would've been able to recover from my wounds. They were fatal." she explained, wanting him to understand that she would have held on if it were possible but it wasn't.

" What about me? " he asked, hoping that he would not have to go back this time, wanting to stay with Cat forever.

" I don't know." she gave him an understanding smile, she knew that he would want to stay with her and she wanted that also, she then reached over and gave him a peck on the cheek and tugged at his hair, she loved to tug at his curls, as he, loved to play with hers. Within seconds she was kissing him full on again, their passion for each other was unexplainable, no words could describe it, it was passionate, raw and exciting all put together.

Jim's movements abruptly stopped and he suddenly pushed her back, interrupting the interaction, "Ahh shit, I think we might be screwed." he finally gasped, short of breath from their love making, their intense sexual attraction.

" How is that?" she laughed. She loved the way he always seemed to be thinking even when she thought he was incapble of having the ability to concentrate on two things at one time.

" Unless we are automatically married up here, we might have committed a few unforgivable sins." his voice was serious, his face was screwed up in a weird way, a way that made him look rather like a child who was terrified that he had done something really bad.

" I have a feeling that nothing happens here without a reason. Just enjoy what time we have together, whether it be eternity or just a few minutes." she pulled him back towards her and she kissed him deeply again, tugging away at his clothes.

Jim's only thought was that he wanted to be with her... forever. He had never been happier, more gratified, and he had never felt more alive in his entier life.

******Present Time**

******Enterprise/Sickbay**

It would be another twenty-four hours until they reached Earth, twenty-four hours before the crew disembarked for a respite. They would be honoring their Captain's life and death.

Jim showed no signs of recovery even when the disease had been eradicated, he still had not awakened. The machines continued to breath air into his lungs and blood into his system but Bones knew he was gone, he had accepted the fact.

Bones had left his charge to get some much needed sleep and to shave, it had been the longest three weeks of his life and today would be the hardest, he would have to allow Jim to die with dignity, to be at eternal peace. It would be the hardest thing he would ever do.

Spock had promised that he would be there, along with the rest of the ship's Alpha crew. Uhuru, Scottie, Chekov, and Sulu would be there for their captain as would he, to say their final words.

They would say their difficult good-byes before he disengaged the machines that were giving their friend life. There would be a hero's funeral, he would be giving the eulogy, along with Spock. They had a long day ahead of them.

He glanced over one last time to his friend, the next time he came to sickbay would be to allow his friend's body to die, to rest. It would be a well deserved rest too.

He walked out and cut off the overhead lights and allowed the quiet beeps of the monitors to continue without his guidance, he could no longer could watch Jim suffer.

The nurse nodded as she walked in to take over the death watch, tears streaming down her face at the anticipated loss of their friend, their captain.

******Unknown Place**

They had spent time together, eating fresh foods brought to them by beings that were friendly and seemed to have their well being as a priority.

Every moment in their short time together was beautiful and precious. They now lived in the beautiful city, filled with people intent on just being happy.

They had spent time with George and Chris and others that had been killed on Tarsus IV. It had been an emotional reunion of epic proportion. Jim could never remember a time that he had been happier, even the Enterprise seemed like a let down after his experiences here, in Paradise.

They had a small ceremony to unite him and Cat in marriage, the whole city attended, it was perfect. His life was now perfect.

" Hurry JT , we're going to be late." Cat called from their living room. They had been given a place to live, to have a family. Cat was excited about the possibility of having a child, in a perfect world.

" I'm coming, I just need to get my jacket." he called back to his wife, his beautiful wife.

Jim had a feeling of dread suddenly hit him, it was crushing sense of urgency and pain all at once as he was getting ready to take his new wife to his father's home, a pulling away almost and it took his breath and he fell to his knees.

Cat heard something fall and entered the room as her husband slid to the floor and she ran to his side, worry and concern evident in her face. " JT, what's wrong?" her voice broke as she bent down and engulfed him in a hug.

One of the caregivers, was now at their side, a look of sadness present on his ever smiling face, something was happening.

" It is time for him to return." the being announced.

Cat looked up at the being, and screamed, " Noooo, please, no. Don't take him, please!"

" He will return in a short time but for now he is still needed in his world. He still has work that has to be done." the being explained, giving her a sad smile, he then turned and left to give them a small amount of time alone.

" Hey, I'll be back, I promise." he did not want to leave, but he knew as before, there were no choices, no arguments to be had, it would happen as the being had said. He did have that propensity for near death experiences to overcome, he knew it wouldn't be long before they were back together again.

Jim felt a need to comfort his wife, but realized he was the one in need of the comfort, he would be returning to a workd of extreme pain, and a long recovey, the thought scared him.

" I love you Cat. I want to make babies with you and grow old with you." he reached up and kissed her passionately. As he pulled away he smiled, he could feel himself being pulled back to his weakened body, he had experienced it before, _it was familiar._

" We don't grow old here." she teased as she held him in her arms, watching as he started to fade away. " Don't do anything stupid. Because if you do I 'll know about it." she continued as she held on to his body watching him as he disappeared, tears stained her face, tears that were promised would never come in such a place rained down from them both.

" I'll miss you JT. I love you." were the last words he would hear her say as he drifted back to his sick body.

******Present Time**

******Sickbay**

They surrounded his bed, each person spoke words of tribute to their friend, their brave captain. It was time for Bones to stop the machine that was giving Jim life.

As he reached with a shaky hand to hit the button that would cut off the machine, his eyes filled with tears, he only hesitated for a second, whispering his last words to his friend, " I'll miss you the most." his hand followed through with the motion of hitting the button, alarms started screaming as the life started to ebb away from Jim's battered body.

Uhuru and Bones were holding on to his hands as he lie quietly dying, when suddenly the machines started showing improvements instead. Bells and alarms started screaming, Jim was trying to get their attention and in true Kirk fashion, he did.

His damaged heart was attempting to beat on its own, his lungs attempting to bring in air, Jim was alive. He would be damned if the lack of machines was going to stop him from taking a breath.

"What the hell?" Bones yelled out at the new desire of his friend to live. " Dammit, Jim, if I knew that taking you off that damned machine would make you mad enough to live I would have done it weeks ago."

Bones humor was not lost on the crowd in the room. They smiled as they watched their captain come back to life, he was a fighter.

Bones yelled for the others to clear the room, he had work to do and that included getting Jim to open his eyes and wake up.

His friend's body was finally working again, now he had to work on repairing Jim's damned damaged mind. He knew Jim was going to take Cat's death hard and his own recovery depended on the acceptance of her death.

Recovery would be a hard road and he couldn't help but to want his friend to know that he knew how hard it was going to be.

" This is going to be harder than keeping your ass from circling down that damned drain." he paused as he grabbed his friend's hand and said what had to be said out loud, " I lied to you about Cat... She's dead, Jim. Her wound was fatal... I'm sorry I lied."

Jim didn't open his eyes but he gave his doctor and friend a weak squeeze of his hand and Bones knew that he was listening. He also knew he had been forgiven. He was a true friend.

******Hate me love me... I know I ripped them apart again. But the story must go on with Jim alive and well, well sort of well. Mental anguish is a terrible thing. The title is Holding onto Sanity, so we have to give our captain some anguish. Let me know how I'm doing, if I should continue in the land of Star Trek or go back to NCIS and stay. Thank you for reading.**


	7. Chapter 7

**So it's time to get down to the nitty gritty of this story. Holding onto Sanity will literally be what Jim has to do as he recovers from choreomeningitis. I have changed the rating because as I delve into Jim's fears, his insecurities and his world so far, I want to make sure I cover my hiny.**

**Thank you to all who have read and reviewed, and I just want to say that you guys making my day. **

**San Francisco**

**ICU**

Leonard McCoy stood at the intensive care unit door of his best friend. He was currently looking inside to see a man who had been through a literal hell in the past few weeks , and he would have to continue to ride that hell train for a little bit longer.

Jim had awakened on the Enterprise, his blood shot eyes had finally opened but they appeared drained of life. Since his awakening he had suffered several setbacks; a respiratory infection, a urinary tract infection and respiratory distress. Even though several machines had been disconnected from his friend, he still had the tube in his throat assisting him with breathing.

The tube was still down due to respiratory distress but should have gotten rid of it days ago... but Jim was not cooperating with the staff, or with him. It was if his captain, his patient, wasn't even trying anymore. _It was making him extremely_ _pissed._

Currently he was not only still intubated and fighting the staff to take out the damned tube at every opportunity, he was making it difficult for the staff to give him the care he so desperately needed. It had been explained over and over that he still needed the tube to breathe, but Jim, in all of his stubbornness, wasn't listening. He wasn't listening to the nurses, the respiratory therapist or to his doctor.

_'Damned stubborn son of a bitch'_, Bones thought to himself as he shifted his attention to Jim's vitals above his bed, still lost in thoughts regarding his patient.

Bones had come to a conclusion a few days ago about Jim. This man might be suicidal, well hell, it was as clear as the nose on his damned face actually. Jim had placed himself into danger too many times, risked his life, and had actually died saving the crew, and even though he was successful, it was clear, clearer than it had ever been, Jim did not value his own life.

_When does a man appear suicidal?_ The current events had caused him to reevaluate those things he thought to be normal, with normal people, but Jim was far from being just a normal person.

Bones had asked the suicide question to himself several times, attempting to come up with an answer. A man lies his life down for his crew, he is deemed a hero, and when a man throws himself at a murderer, such as Khan, he is considered brave; but when said man doesn't even fight to recover from a curable illness but instead attempts to find anyway he can to undermine the attempts to get him better, then he would be considered suicidal. Just maybe he was all along, maybe now in Jim's more vulnerable state he could just see it more clearly.

He had noticed on the way to Kronos that Jim wasn't himself, he was angry, not so much at Khan but more at himself, probably blaming himself for Christopher Pike's death; his friend, his mentor, his surrogate father.

Bones could see his friend's suicidal tendency as he willingly sacrificed himself for his ship, his crew. It wasn't a hero thing as much as it was Jim putting himself there in that reactor room as a sacrifice, one he was all too willing to take,

He had read Jim's very confidential medical records, read the damage done from his time under the rule of Kodos on Tarsus IV. He had witnessed the scars, the mental anguish of a child thrust into a world of being a protector. Though Tarsus IV had been a horrible event in Jim's life, it was nothing compared to his childhood, being raised as an abused and battered child under a man named Frank.

No wonder his brother, Sam, had run away, the abuse was too much. What he could not understand though was Jim's decision to stay, to not run away, but instead making the decision to take the pain and abuse of a drunk, of an abusive man.

" Leave that alone!" a nurse interrupted his thoughts as she yelled at her non-compliant patient.

Jim had removed his breathing tube twice on his own and was attempting the third, sliding down in the bed to get to the device with his restrained hand, wanting to get rid of the very thing that stiffled his cries.

Jim was fighting the drugs that would normally put an elephant asleep, wanting to keep the staff on notice that when they weren't looking the damnable tube would be gone, therefore he had earned himself a nice pair of wrist restraints and from his view from the door, he was going to find a way to get rid of them, and soon.

And by the looks at what was transpiring with the tube he had already taped in place with the strongest devices, he was going to have to intervene, again.

"Son of a bitch, Jim!" Bones yelled from the door, Jim attention immediately shifted to Bones in the doorway,

" Leave that damned tube alone!" he yelled again at Jim as he made his entrance into the room, wanting to give the man notice that he wasn't going to take any of his bullshit today." Your throat is going to hurt like hell when you finally do get to get rid of that damned tube, from pulling it out so damned much. Idiot!"

Bones wanted to put a little fear into the man and voice his feelings at the same time. " I swear if you even pull out that damned feeding tube I'll make you put it back in, yourself, without any anesthesia." he cursed, as he checked on his hard work.

Jim mentally and physically jumped at his friend's commanding voice, then gave him the eye roll which had become common when he was being fussed at.

Bones, satisfied that none of his hard work had been undone, picked up the tricorder and started assessing his patient, noting the elevated vital signs, especially the blood pressure, and he took a deep breath. " You aren't doing yourself any favors acting like that, Jim."

Jim turned his head away from the doctor, trying to ignore the man. He just wanted to get the hell out of this place, he was tired of tubes, hyposprays and people prodding and touching him in places that were too personal.

He felt anger, anger for the man who had killed Cat, anger at being sick and having to be in a shitty hospital and anger at having zero control over the situation. He was mostly angry at the moment at Areck, the monster who had taken away Cat, the only woman he had ever truly loved. The son of a bitch was surely dead, she had stabbed him, she had died defending him, and that one event..._ was shaking his world._

Bones had refused to tell him about the events that followed his return, felt it was too much for him to know the details, too much to deal with in his present state. Not even Spock would tell him anything and that was making him even more angry. He wanted to know the details but was getting nothing but more and more angry, spending every hour of everyday having to imagine what might have happened._ It was tormenting him._

" Jim, I need to take some blood samples. I want to make sure you don't have anything else going on in that system of yours that would set you back in your recovery." He wanted to inform his friend of what was going on around him, he didn't want him afraid.

Jim decided he had experienced enough though and he shook his head vehemently.

" Wasn't a question, Jim. It's what I have to do." He made his way over to get the device to remove the blood when Jim decided again that he wasn't going to stick around, and he kicked off his blanket.

" Don't piss off the staff, Jim. That never gets you anywhere." Bones, didn't even have to look back at his patient, it was a daily ritual when Jim didn't want something done or he was just plain pissed at being in the ICU and at being a patient, he would get belligerent.

Jim was never one to be told what or when to do things and he wasn't going to start today, so he kicked out a leg off the biobed, an alarm started sounding.

" You know I have drugs for those temper tantrums, Jim. Get your damned leg back into that bed." Bones knew that Jim was actually aware they would drug him into an oblivious state and that is what was concerning him most.

Jim, in all of their time together, never wanted drugs of any kind, especially those that would send him into a world of nightmares, but the man lying on the bed was totally different, acting out just to be sedated, and that concerned him.

The words had not even left his mouth when the other leg came off the bed and between the alarms and the staff yelling at their patient, who was now tugging at his restraints with all his energy reserve, the room became engulfed in chaos.

" Dammit, Jim. Either get those legs back into that bed or I will use enough drugs on you that you will drool despite that damned tube in your throat." Bones was pissed, not at the current situation but at the decision that his friend has just pushed him into making, one that could jeopardize the man in the bed from ever getting to captain the Enterprise again.

The nurse already was coming at Jim's neck with the hypospray when Bones found himself stopping her, " Not this time." was all he said as they placed a very pissed off patient back into bed. Their hands were busy placing restraints on their patient's ankles, and a vest restraint across his chest, Jim was fighting them all the way.

" Call Dr Jacob Connors, see if he has time for an emergency consult." His words caused a visible shudder from Jim as he laid back down, no longer fighting, no longer wanting to fight. Bones had just stunned him back into submission.

Jim shook his head at the doctor, he knew what was going to happen. One of the best psychologist in the Federation was going to exam his mind and he knew he was vulnerable right now, knew that he would probably vent things that would show his vulnerabilities, _he knew he was screwed._

" I'm sorry Jim. I wish it didn't have to be this way." Bones' voice sounded sad, his face mirrored his mood.

Jim shook his head again, this couldn't be happening, Bones was his friend, his confidant. Bones knew his secrets and he knew what this would do to him, making him relive his past, wanting him to deal with what he had pushed down for so long, and _there was no way in hell he would allow it. _

Jim bucked the hold the staff had on him, pulling at the old and the newly required restraints that now donned every limb, he was not going to talk to some shrink, or be drugged with antidepressants, he wanted to go home, he wanted to be with Cat.

Bones reluctantly waved to the nurse to deliver the sedative, and she did it with a gentleness and understanding that the man in the bed was fighting more than just his illness but the inner demons that needed to surface.

Bones watched as Jim's body relaxed and his eyes closed but it was the numbers on the screens that showed an elevated blood pressure and heart rate that assured him that Jim was not resting. _That his Captain, his best friend had just felt betrayed. _

**I know, short chapter. Well, the one I wrote and lost on my hard drive yesterday was longer but it is not recoverable so I have to settle with this for today. I have to work. Yuck. I hope you like, I will do better next time.**


	8. Chapter 8

Dr Jacobs walked into the ICU room to consult on his new patient. The now quiet, drugged man in the bed was considered a hero to most, a nuisance by some and a damned good captain by all of his crew, including Dr McCoy who actually liked very few people, especially any young smart ass that challenged him.

If you heard the nurse's version, he was one hell of a brat who wanted to get his way regardless of how it would effect his actions on his fragile health. If you heard the version of his doctor, Dr Leonard McCoy, then one would see a man who had given everything he had for others, regardless of the cost, which as he had so eloquently put it, " The man has lost his damned marbles and doesn't have any damned regard for his own health." The doctor had to laugh at the colorful word description that McCoy gave of his friend's recent behavior.

The doctor was older, he had years of experience counseling both patients and family with the everyday problems in life. He was currently reading what looked like a biography of the man's life, born on a shuttle in the midst of a fire storm, his father dying within minutes after his birth, but this was just the beginning of the life of James Tiberius Kirk, the Captain of a ship and hero to his crew.

The doctor pulled up a seat beside his patient, the lights had been dimmed and the bioboard that showed numbers, readings of tests and scans had been darkened, in hopes that James would rest and though it was a drugged induced rest, the man was finally sleeping.

He turned back to the computer, wanting to read more about his new patient, wanting to learn more about what made the man tick, what made him Captain James Tiberius Kirk, a man who was considered a hero by so many, and a pain in the ass by others... and he wanted to know what to expect of him as a patient.

He pulled up Jim's personal file on the PADD and started reading. The stark images of a small boy plastered on the old news feed, a story about James' hero father and his untimely death written underneath. Jim was the darling son of George and Winona Kirk, the small wonder boy was loved by all at the tender age of three.

Then there were the medical records. He reached over for his cup of coffee and took a sip before he continued, it was going to be a long day.

The words '** Abuse suspected'** were written on almost every visit documented, written for the next doctor to see but it was never followed up; broken clavicle, broken jaw, broken leg...arm, displaced shoulder, contusion to the liver, head injury times three. The doctor stopped, the hair on his neck stood up, he felt angry. Anger at the mother for not seeing the abuse her son was enduring at the hand of an abusive step-father and anger, worse than anger actually. at the monster who had abused an eight year old kid.

As he read on in the notes he noted that James had a brother, Sam. The older sibling had run away at the young age of twelve, he was four years older than James, it was starting to make sense. No record of abuse was seen until James was eight. Maybe Sam had protected him until he couldn't take the abuse no more and left. Frank only had James to abuse after that, and nobody was there to protect him from what Frank thought was good parenting. Beating a child into submission was not parenting, it was blatant abuse of a child.

As he read further he noted that the doctors didn't report the abuse to local authorities, which in a way he thought the silence was done more out protecting Winona's reputation that protecting the child, and the records reflected that _Jimmy Kirk was just prone to accidents, and unruly._

Dr Connors read the police reports next, evidently the kid was brilliant and got bored easily, his first run in with the law came on the same day his brother was reported missing.

Jimmy had run his father's or now step-father's car off a cliff, the kid only suffered a few minor scratches but it was only hours later that his step-father had shown up with Jimmy in tow to a local hospital's emergency room, claiming that Jimmy's injuries had been missed on the initial check up after the incident; a dislocated shoulder, multiple bruises to his back and a large bruise the sized of one's fist to his abdomen...he had a contusion to his spleen. He stayed overnight for observation and then was released into his step-father's custody. It didn't take a genius to figure out what had happened to the kid.

After that it was a monthly run in with law enforcement, a clear attempt to get the attention of those whom he thought would eventually protect him. To protect him from the severe brutality imposed upon him by Frank. It never happened though, and when Winona had finally figured it out, the man had disappeared, nobody ever saw him again after his divorce from Winona.

The doctor looked around to see if his patient had awakened, but the steady breaths of the ventilator and the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest told him all he needed to know for the moment, his patient was still resting.

Dr Connors continued to read, continued being amazed at what James Kirk endured as a teen.

At the age of thirteen Jim was sent to Tarsus IV to live with his aunt and uncle. A rather sizable colony but it would be the boy's first experience with a real family unit but that had been interrupted with the crops became contaminated by a fungal type blight. The colony went to hell in a hand basket quickly with the leader, a man named Kodos, taking it upon himself to issue martial law,he divided the colonist into two groups and decided who lived and who died.

From the available records it was Jim's Aunt and Uncle who were chosen to die along with their four children, Jim had not been on the list because he was just a visitor, never listed as part of the colony, he managed to escape and he managed also to take a few kids with him, including his cousins.

Jim or JT, as the children called him,was their hero, he stole and hunted for food for them and was even beaten for attempting to defend those he protected. JT, according to the medical records was suffering severe dehydration, lack of nutrition and had severe wounds when found at the federal building.

But the children he had protected and had placed himself in harms way for were healthier, though traumatized for the events in their lives, they all gave credit to JT for keeping them safe, for providing for them and for caring for them. JT was their savior of sorts, he had placed their lives before his own many times and he had paid the price with beatings and starvation.

JT had spent many months in a private hospital and then one day he just disappeared, vanished. Most of the staff had said he was a wild boy, raised by unloving parents he had developed a way of just locking out others, surviving on his own. The psychologists at the hospital had tried to deal with his abusive past, his captivity and his propensity for risking his life, but had failed according to their notes. _He was a lost cause according to their final entries._

James had disappeared after that, other than a few arrests for disorderly conduct he really didn't exist.

There were missing years between the ages of fourteen and twenty-one when according to documents, Christopher Pike had found the young man in a bar badly beaten and had encouraged him to join the Star-fleet officer's program. The kid took him up on his offer, his _challenge_ and had become his mentor, his surrogate father but he had died at the hands of a man named Khan.

In the program he had excelled and had been number one in his class. Despite a few reprimands, mostly for conduct unbecoming an officer and often caught in the rooms of his fellow female classmates, he had actually been able to skip a year, he was considered brilliant. The kid had an eidetic memory and he surpassed even the hardest of critical thinking mock up exams for captaincy.

" This is going to be one hell of a challenge." he spoke the words out loud, but to himself. He knew he was in for the race, he just hoped he didn't stumble, this kid deserved the best for all that he had been through in his short life.

The doctor rubbed at his eyes, which were getting tired from all the reading. He had covered the man in the bed's history through Nero and Khan and the amazing story of Jim's death and resurrection. He had also read about his client's most recent run in with Areck and the death of the woman named Carla Ann Therian, one of the missing children from Tarsus IV.

Carla Ann had been the same age as James, thirteen years old, when she was abducted from their camp. James had always suspected Areck but the alien had sworn that he had nothing to do with her disappearance and he had even saved the kid's life on a planet called Delta 7 a few years later, though there was no documentation, it had only been mentioned briefly in a summary of the later teen years of James T Kirk.

Dr Connors stood and stretched, his body stiff from sitting too long. This client was going to be a challenge. He hoped he was up to whatever it took to return him to being the Captain of the USS Enterprise. He hoped that he would be able to save him from his past, it was going to be difficult.

He turned to check on the man in the bed again only to be met this time by watery blue eyes, eyes that starred at him with a distrust and dislike such as he had never experienced.

" I should introduce myself. My name is Dr Jacob Connors. I will be your physician, actually your psychologist. Dr McCoy has informed me that you are having a difficult time and I hope that I will be able to see you through this and assist you in getting better." he greeted Jim, though by the look on the young man's face he was not getting a welcomed greeting in return.

Jim closed his eyes, wishing the man to leave and allow him his peace but he could tell that he wouldn't be that easily rid of, the man looked determined. He would not allow him into his world. He just kept his eyes closed and his mind wondered to other things, mostly Cat.

He always knew he would find her, and his plan had always been to marry her, he just wished that she was still alive, he just wanted to hold her in his arms, to love her again. _'Why had she died? But the bigger question was why had she put her life in front of his ? Nobody had ever done that before and he was having a very difficult time with that fact.'_

In all honesty, he just wanted to die, he had given all he could give to this world and the death of Cat was what sealed this finality in his mind. He didn't have anything else to give. He was tired and no psychologist would be able to convince him otherwise. It was time to rest, his journey had mentally come to an end with the death of the one woman he loved.

Dr Connors waited for the man to respond to him but the man had already shut him out, without even acknowledging his presence. He would have to win the man over, it would take time. He would have to go back to the beginning and establish trust in a man who trusted no one. He wished himself luck as he left the room, the challenge was on...James T Kirk was going to get better, he deserved the best of care and that was what he was going to get.

**This was sort of an introduction not only to our doctor but to what I feel Jim went through. I would not go the sexual abuse route, that gets too complicated but in my story it will be the physical and mental abuse that I will focus on for Jim's recovery. Our stubborn Captain wants to die, he doesn't remember what the other world gave him only what he has experienced in this world. Jim will try to die but it is up not only to Connors but to all of his crew, who will make a huge appearance soon to assist in saving him from himself. Hope you like. Hope you are still reading! Thank you.**


	9. Chapter 9

Bones had extubated his friend earlier that morning and by that afternoon he had been placed on suicide watch, a sitter at his beside, watching his every move.

What seemed to piss off his patient more than having to have a sitter was the fact such sitter was a Vulcan and seemed very committed to his job. Not a move was missed.

Jim felt that he had junior Spock watching him. The man could out stare a bull.

" I have to take a piss." his voice raw and painful and just as flat as his affect.

" I will assist you in that endeavor." the Vulcan replied and stood to aid Jim with his urinal. Jim was unable to stand on his own, unable to move his extremities as he normally would, it would take a lot of physical therapy and some motivation to get back to his full health, it would take a while before he was strong again.

Jim found himself allowing the man to assist, though he would have preferred a beautiful nurse, but the Vulcan would do, for now.

When he finished he rolled over in his bed, facing away from the Vulcan bodyguard and ignoring the camera above his bed and the wires and tubes still attached to his body. He would rather just sleep and pretend he was elsewhere. He hated hospitals, he hated being incapable of performing even the simplest of tasks.

He knew they thought they were doing him a favor, but he laughed inside at their attempts, they would not work, just as they didn't work when he was rescued for his personal hell on Tarsus IV. He just wanted to disappear again, he wanted it all to go away. That is how he dealt with things, denial, exile and solace.

He heard the door to the isolated room open, heard low whispers across the room and knew he would have to do his best not to lose it when the man entered.

" James, how are you feeling today?" He used Jim's first name, wanting to show him some respect without making him feel like a stranger. When the question was asked and not answered the doctor took a seat across from Jim's bed.

Jim refused to acknowledge the man, or the reason he was there. It was best not to even give the man one iota of confidence or hope for success in saving his mind or his soul, it would not work now, as it didn't then. He had real trust issues.

He knew his plan, he had already developed it in his mind, he would work out the details when he was stronger and they included; escape, exile and death. It is what he wanted, it would be what he got. It was just a matter of time. He should have done it after Tarsus IV and if Areck hadn't saved his damned life he would have done just that, it would have been over and the world would have been better off without him.

The doctor looked at his patient, he expected him to ignore him, expected him to not respond but that wasn't going to stop him for doing his job today, an hour was allotted for his patient and an hour is what his patient would get, whether he liked it or not.

" I know you have trust issues James. I understand that after reading your file." That statement elicited no response, so he continued. " You've had a very difficult life and I understand why you wouldn't trust me."

Jim had tuned him out, thinking of what could have been, what would have been if Cat had lived. To hell with the rest of the world, he didn't need them and he didn't want them to need him anymore. He was done, and with that thought he fell into a light sleep.

Jim's light snores stopped his forward progression with his patient, this one was going to be a difficult one at best. He had to find a way to get started on the captain's road to recovery, he would need the assistance of someone close, he would need to talk to Dr McCoy.

The doctor left, and the Vulcan reentered and took his seat, his prime objective was to keep the man in the bed safe and that is what he would do.

**McCoy's Office**

A light knock on the door got the doctor's attention, he had been going over Jim's recent tests, his blood work was improving and his CT scan showed great progress. He raised his head, expecting Dr Connors and was surprised to see Spock.

" Do you have a few minutes Doctor?" Spock asked as he entered the room.

" Well, if it isn't the devil himself." Bones responded, still pissed at the man for getting Jim out of the sickbay and handing him over to the crazy Andorian.

" Are you referring to my ears again, Doctor? I assure you that the Satan portrayed in the book, the Bible, was never described as having pointy ears." he walked over and stood by McCoy's desk, a look of confusion on his face as to the name calling.

" Shut up and take a damned seat." he motioned for Spock to sit and he rubbed at his stubbled face, he was tired. Jim was worrying him and he didn't know what to do for his friend. Doctor Connors was his last hope.

Spock complied and he sat down, hands in front of him, fingers together , the man was concerned about Jim too and he didn't want to ask the question but it was necessary, " Will Jim recover from this event. I know now that Ms Therian meant a lot to him, and that this could be devastating to Jim's ability to heal completely."

" No shit, Sherlock." he replied, wondering where the man had been while he had been taking care of their friend.

Spock looked at the man quizzically and asked, " Who is this person, Sherlock and why are you concerned about his ability to ..."

" Never mind it's just a phrase, and by the way, why haven't you been here to see, Jim. Did you get lost?" Bones had noticed the absence of any of the crew since Jim's hospitalization. Bones was also pissed at the no shows of the crew, it wasn't like them to abandon their Captain, the man who had died to save their sorry asses.

" I assure you doctor that I was not lost, it would be very difficult for one to get lost in a place they are well aware of where they are." Spock continued, the conversation going nowhere fast.

Spock was talking, but McCoy was getting annoyed and interrupted." Why the hell are you here Spock?"

" I would like to visit with Jim." The Vulcan replied, wanting to see for himself that his captain was fine.

" Now you want to visit him? Where the hell have you been this past week? For that matter, where has the entire crew been? On vacation?" he was pissed at all of them for deserting their captain, their friend.

" Starfleet sent us on a short mission, it was important for our crew to execute the primary objective." Spock hesitated for a few minutes then continued, wanting the doctor to understand, their mission had been vital to Jim's full recovery. " It was a rescue mission." he didn't elaborate any further, his interest was more geared towards seeing his Captain, his friend.

He didn't know if he should tell Spock that he had placed Jim on suicide precautions and that he was in need of a twenty-hour sitter, and that he had specifically placed Vulcan's over his care so that he wouldn't harm himself or escape. He needed to trust someone though and it might as well be the damned Hobgoblin.

McCoy thought about it for a few seconds, the look on Jim's face when he had told him that Dr Connors was getting consulted, he appeared devastated but he knew, Jim was on the edge and he was about to fall off into the abyss, He had to do what he had to do, it would be Jim's only chance to be able to be their Captain again.

The pointy eared bastard was still on his shit list but he also knew that the Vulcan would die for their friend so he would tell him in confidentiality.

" Jim has been having some difficulties, he has been non-compliant, and his will to get better, to have a full recovery, has been diminished by depression. I've consulted the best Starfleet has to offer to see him, to possibly help him but it might be futile. Jim won't even talk or acknowledge the man." Bones explained to a very attentive Vulcan, first officer.

" It does sound like we have a situation, which makes it even more imperative that I see him, regardless of his current condition. Jim is my friend and I think I might be able to assist." Spock would not give details but he seemed genuinely concerned and more optimistic than himself.

" I have him in a contained room under suicide watch, he has a twenty-four hour sitter. Jim is not himself." he wanted Spock to know, wanted him to be aware of Jim's mental instability.

" Then it makes it more imperative that I speak to our Captain. Maybe what I have to tell him can make a difference." he stood and walked towards the door.

" Room eight twenty seven." Bones felt a glimmer of hope, he really wanted Jim better, regardless of who gave him that hope, that lifeline.

Spock nodded and left to see their captain, their friend. Bones felt a twinge of hope, maybe Spock could pull Jim from the free-fall that he was spiraling in at warp speed .He hoped that Jim would come back to them because right now his friend was a million miles away.

**Room 827**

Spock stood at the doorway of his friend's room, a nurse was administering care and he saw Jim as belligerent as he was on the ship just a few short years ago. It was a defense mechanism, to push people away, to steer them in another direction. He could not help but to wonder what Jim's plan was, but he knew the captain and knew that his friend was working towards a goal, he could see it taking place and he knew he would have to assist in stopping him from doing something stupid.

" Leave me the hell alone!" his raw, cracked voice demanded. Jim didn't want anymore drugs, he was done with the medical shit, he just wanted to go to his apartment, gather his things and be on his way. He had things to do, he had to get away.

The nurse complied, leaving the man lying on the bed in the care of his sitter, who seemed unaffected by Jim's outburst, probably because it had become the norm.

Jim had been in a mood ever since the psychologist left, ever since he had awakened still in the room with the Vulcan sitter. He was pissed at the world.

The only reason he wasn't raising too much of a stink about getting out of the bed was that he didn't want to be tied down again with restraints, he had experienced enough of that and actually out a learned fear of hyposprays he could not help but to watch for Bones out of the corner of his eye. It was in knowing that if he pissed off the staff too much they would call him and he did have that temper to contend with. Instead he would be the good patient until they weren't looking and then he would leave, escape.

" Planning your escape Captain? Spock's voice startled him out of his mental isolation and into the world of reality.

" How did you know?" he kept the sarcasm in his voice, actually his very raw and cracked voice, maybe pulling that damned tube out wasn't such a good idea.

" How are you feeling?" Spock walked over, ignoring the sarcastic tone of his friend, " I assume you are doing better, the breathing device is gone and you seem more like yourself."

Jim gave him an eye roll, and a small smirk, the Vulcan could make him grin even when he was in a shitty mood. " I am better Spock. I just want to get the hell out of this joint." his voice was not angry, just matter of fact.

" Understood Captain." Spock motioned for the sitter to take leave and he complied, leaving the room so the two men could talk.

" I am sorry about your friend. I had wished that she was viable when we beamed her aboard the ship but her wounds were fatal and we did give her a proper burial."

Cat's family had been murdered by Kodos, she had nobody but JT, and that is what made their bond so strong, they only had each other. Jim shook his head and turned towards his second in command.

" She loved yellow roses." It took a minute to get control of the emotion brought on by hearing that she was buried, tears now stained his reddened cheeks, " I wish I had been there." the pain in his voice evident.

" Her death was not in vain Captain." Spock spoke the words that got his friend's full attention.

" The crew just returned from a rescue mission of such magnitude it would stun even our good doctor." He came closer to Jim's bed, " We were able to free all of Areck's prisoners and we also were able to confirm his death. He will no longer cause pain and suffering to anyone else."

Jim nodded, it was the best news he could have heard. Cat's death was not pointless. She would have been very pleased that others benefited from her sacrifice. Though Areck's death only meant that he would never harm anybody else, it seemed anticlimactic, he was glad he was dead, but Cat died also, he felt numb at hearing the news.

Spock thought Jim's reaction would have been different, that he would have been more pleased but instead he saw a new wave of pain float across the man's face and he didn't recognize it.

" Tell the crew I'm proud of them, that they did good. You too Spock, you are a great leader." Jim's voice was getting worse, the torture to his throat from the multiple times of forcefully removing the tube and its replacement had taken its toll. He waved for the man to take his leave, his visit was over and he wanted to sleep. It felt good to sleep, because when he slept he didn't have to think because thinking was too painful.

" I have more news Captain." Spock wanted to stay for just a few more minutes, he wanted to give his captain some peace and his news might just assist in doing just that.

" Yes, Spock." he looked up at the man, giving him his best attempt at listening.

" We found Cat's youngest sister, Adeline." Spock new the news of the younger sibling might rock his captain's world but h did not realize how much.

Jim raised up weakly in the bed, his voice so strained that he could barely make out what the man said.

" You found Adele? Did he hurt her? Did he torture her like he did Cat?" his voice panicked, raw, full of emotion.

" She is doing well. He did not harm the young woman." Spock attempted to comfort his Captain with the news.

" Cat would never allow it, she would have died protecting her, it all makes sense now. She went willingly, she went with that Son of a bitch to save her sister. Dammit Spock, I was so stupid. How did I not see it? How did I miss that one clue." he raised into a sitting position, his body swayed, Spock's hand steadied him.

" I did not mean to cause you this much pain, I only wanted to bring you the good news." Spock spoke it low and comfortingly. The news had upset his friend instead of bringing him peace and he felt ashamed that he didn't assume that Jim would take the blame for not protecting them both.

" I was stupid Spock! I should have known that Areck had her sister, I should have known Cat would do whatever it took to save her, to protect her. I was such a dumb ass kid, I was stupid." Jim's emotions were overflowing, and the tears were unceasing. " I killed her Spock, I killed her."

Spock reached for the button to call for assistance, Spock was at a loss. He did not know what to do. Jim needed Dr McCoy.

**I know, one more hit for the captain. But, in all honesty, I know you guys like it...it is what we do to our dear captain. And again thanks for reading.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Again, thank you to all who have read and reviewed my story. It really makes a writer want to give more and I hope I am not disappointing.**

When Bones walked out of Jim's room, Spock was waiting.

" How is the Captain?" Spock asked as he noted the ragged appearance of the doctor, whatever had transpired in the room had taken a toll on the man.

"How the hell do you think he is? You damned fool, you told him that he is basically to blame for Carla Ann's death. She would have done anything to protect her little sister, a sister she thought had died along with her parents." he stepped away from Jim's door, not wanting their conversation overheard by the drugged man inside, Spock followed.

" I assure you I had no intention of making the captain's condition any worse, as a matter of fact, I thought the news would assist him in his recovery." Spock felt horrible for what he had done to his Captain.

" You thought wrong, Spock. Oh hell, the man already takes the blame for one death, and now he has to come to terms with the fact and that trusting Areck in accepting his denials years ago was something he could have changed with the knowledge that Adeline was in his possession."

Bones leaned against the wall, he was exhausted, and he wondered how he was going to help his best friend.

" Dammit man, it just isn't fair!" Bones' tirade continued, he knew he was yelling at Spock out of complete frustration for being unable to help the man in the isolated room.

Bones took a breath and calmed himself. It had been difficult to walk into the room and to see Jim in such a state, a total mental breakdown if ever he had seen one, and his concern for his friend had escalated to a whole new level.

" You are right doctor, I should have known that Jim would have taken the responsibility for the young woman's demise and the prolonged captivity of the sister. I will need to meditate for a while. I too want to help Jim." He dismissed himself, leaving Dr McCoy alone in the hallway.

Bones straightened himself and started walking back to his office, he had to call Dr Connors, he had to update him on their patient's latest setback.

**Room 827**

Jim lay quietly in the bed, wanting to forget what Spock had told him, the drugs were tugging at his consciousness. He had been so stupid, so naive. He continued to fight the drugs in his system, he needed to see Adele.

Adeline was only three years old when they thought she had been murdered by Kodos but actually none of the bodies were even recognizable, they had been torched soon after and when he and Cat had found her home up in flames. They had assumed Adele was there with the rest of the family, dead.

Jim looked over at his new Vulcan sitter, he seemed less protective and was actually reading a book instead of giving him the hawkeye stare. His mind felt heavy, the strong sedative was tugging at his consciousness but he needed to think now, he had to devise a plan to get out, to visit Adele. He just wanted to make sure she was really alive and well.

Jim also wanted to know what had happened all those years, no matter how difficult it might be, he needed to know how she, they, had suffered at the hands of the brutal tyrant.

He blamed it all on Kodos, for killing their families, for destroying the only peace he had ever known. At least the man was dead now, no longer a threat for any of the survivors.

Jim knew if he continued to fight the psychologist he would be here for a long time and if he gave in too quickly they would see right through him, especially Bones and Spock. He would have to find a way to get them to believe he was feeling better, though today's emotional scene would probably get him a new visit soon from his brain shrinker.

He would have to get in control of his emotions long enough to get out of the hospital, then he would need to find a place to decide his future. First, he would need to find Adele, he needed to see her alive.

How had she survived, he had seen a child's body in the ashes, or at least he thought it was a child. His mind must have been playing tricks on him, he must of see what he thought was a child's body, he wouldn't allow Cat to go that close to her home, feeling a sense of protection for her even then. It would have been too much for her to see her family killed in that manner.

He rolled over in the bed, his neck still stung from the injection, but it was good to even feel the pain, because everything else felt so numb, so unimportant.

Jim closed his eyes and visually pictured the vivacious three year old, her red hair and beautiful freckles still an image he couldn't forget, such a contrast to Cat and her blond curls. He always wondered what she would like today, and the image of a raggedy Ann doll crossed his tired drug mind, and he would have smiled if the Vulcan hadn't been looking over at him.

He would need to find her, to see her with his own eyes, to make sure it was her. Something wasn't right though but his tired mind could not connect to what it was, but it was important. He yawned and readjusted his head on the pillow.

Within seconds he was asleep, his body finally caved in to the heavy sedation.

**Dr Connors Office**

Dr Connors had left early, before Jim had experienced the difficult episode, his office secured, his files locked away. But the man who now sat behind the desk could not help but to feel a twinge of guilt as he watched the video feed of the man James T Kirk in his isolated hospital room. He was suffering no less from Post traumatic stress, it had to be difficult to lose the same woman twice in one lifetime.

The site of the man as he was lay in the bed reminded him of a different time, a time that he had determined his fate. Then, he wanted James Kirk to live, wanted him to become his own child. He had saved the boy so many times, only to lose him again and again.

He reached over and touched the screen, he felt a connection to the man in the bed, felt a need to have him close to him, to allow him to love him as a father. He had killed a nation, killed the only real family that James Kirk had ever really connected to and now he felt an overwhelming sense of need to connect with him again, to let him know, explain, why he had done the things he did on Tarsus IV. He had done it all for James.

He felt a sense of pride as he looked over at the screen, all the beatings that he had ordered for the boy had only made him the strong man he was today. He knew that he would need to continue his harsh treatment of James, it is what made him strong and he definitely needed his son strong. He would start his regimen of discipline as soon as he returned him to Tarsus IV, t_heir home._

" Oh Jimmy, I have missed you so over the years. I need to bring you home, you belong to me." the man smiled as he stood to leave, he would be back soon to get his child. James needed a real disciplinarian as a father. James needed him.

The man reached down and gathered the information that would assist him in getting legal custody of James, the copied files would be his key to getting what he had desired for so many years, a son. He smiled down at the sleeping form of James Kirk and smiled, " Soon, son, we will be together." he then left the room, as secured as he found it.

**Bones Office**

Bones had notified Dr Connors of the situation with Jim. He had informed him of the news that he had received and the man was on his way back to the hospital.

He reached up with both hands and ran them through his already messed hair, it had been one hell of a day.

He heard a faint knock at the door. " Come in." he called out, wondering who it could be now.

" Am I disturbing you doctor?" the young lady asked as she entered the room.

Bones stood and rounded his desk to invite the beautiful, blond into the office. Her face was flawless, not an imperfection present, not even a freckle. He could not help but to think that she looked familiar, even though he knew he had never met her in his life.

" Doctor McCoy." he reached out his hand to shake hers, wanting to introduce himself.

" Adeline Therian." she returned, and took the seat that Bones was offering.

" Thank you, I am sorry to bother you. I know that you are a very busy man but I won't be long. I did want to check up on a patient who is under your care. His name is..." she was about to finish but was interrupted.

" James Kirk." he walked around the desk and sat on the edge, wondering why the woman was seeking out Jim. According to the brief tense moments in Jim's room he had mentioned seeing her last when she was only three years of age. Jim seemed to also think she had died and been surprised to find out she was alive and under the imprisonment of Areck. Something was off but he brushed it off for the moment.

" Yes, I would like to talk with him if I could. I'm getting ready to go off planet to visit my family, I will not be back for a while." she wanted the doctor to know why she had came to the hospital, wanted him to know that it would be a while before she returned and that she wanted to speak to him before she left.

Bones thought about for a few seconds, the possible repercussions, the possible shock that Jim might experience and he wished Dr Connors was there as he made his decision, it would be better for him to assist Jim with the newest revelation.

"I just don't think it would be in the best interest of my patient right now. It might be best for you to wait until you return." Bones hated to delay the visit but he really didn't think that Jim could handle anything else right now, at least, until he was feeling better.

She smiled and stood, " I understand. I would not want to cause Jim anymore pain." She was almost out of the office when hesitated, then turned and pulled out an envelope from her dress pocket, " When he is feeling better, would you give him this?" she handed the thick envelope to Bones.

Bones nodded and took the sealed envelope. " I'm sorry." he offered the woman a rare apology.

" Tell him I look forward to seeing him when I return." she gave him a sad but tender smile, then exited the room.

Bones opened the top drawer of his desk and placed the brown envelope inside. He knew it would be a while before Jim was ready to deal with the news of Adele's need to reach out to him. First, Jim needed to be able to handle the everyday life events before he added anything else to it.

Bones took a seat, hopefully, Dr Connors would be there soon.

**Outside of the Hospital**

The beautiful young woman looked out into the busy street, waiting for her father to join her, she had done her job and though she would have loved to see her soon to be brother again , she knew she had to have great patience, it is what her father had taught her over the years.

When he finally walked up to her with files in hand they just smiled at each other, they had accomplished so much today. It wouldn't be long before they were a family and back on the planet they called their home.

**Yeah, I went there. I loved this episode Conscience of a King. I hope you guys will like where I take it. I would love your input.**


	11. Chapter 11

**Justice Building**

Kudos had been many things over the years, but a patient man was not one of them. He paced back and forth in the long hallway of the Justice department, waiting for Judge Olef to review his petition for legal custody of the man who was suffering mental and physical exhaustion.

This should have been taken care of the day before but the man whom he trusted to make it swift must have been pondering on how to make it worth his while, Everything and everyone had a value, a price tag and that included the release of Jim into his protective hands. He would have to be patient.

It was not everyday one recovers from Choreomeningitis and Jim was that anomaly. Hell, what was even more amazing was the man's imprisonment and survival aboard an Andorian ship, but his son was an amazing man and he was so proud.

He had made his money over the years working for dubious sorts such as Areck and his fine young Andorian traders. He had become rich selling those who caused him problems in the past to the slave trader.

He knew that Areck would inform him of the location of JT, he owed him, because had he not given the man Carla Ann as a wonderful obedient concubine, her captivity and control had been ensured with the lie that her sister was still alive and well. If he had not planned this out so well so many years ago then he would not have this moment, this wonderful moment.

Everything takes time, especially if it is worth waiting for, and James Kirk was definitely worth the wait. Yeah, James Kirk was the blood born son of George Kirk but when he had met JT on Tarsus IV, on his arrival from Earth, he knew that he had to be his own, and today would be that day.

Now he had to wait, he needed the court order for JT to be released into his care and for him to come home to Tarsus IV so they could be a family. It is all that he wanted, all that he had dreamed of for fifteen years.

The boy had imprinted on him, his cries still touched his heart as he remembered how JT clung to him after the beatings, fighting fevers and the intense pain that proceeded his ordered torture of the boy. He had to teach him obedience, and he had to make sure the boy looked to him for comfort.

His thoughts were interrupted by a young lady who was calling out his name, "Mr Karidian, the judge would like to speak to you." she smiled as she waved for the older man to enter, Kodos obliged and walked into the office.

Judge Olef smiled and greeted the man and motioned for him to take a seat,"I have read over the motion and I really don't have a problem placing James Kirk in your care ….except for one small matter."

The man almost panicked, wondering if the judge had figured out his true identity, but he continued to keep his cool and replied, " What is it? I have nothing but the best of intentions for his mental and physical care."

" And according to these documents you have the funding to ensure both." Judge Olef continued, " But, he already has a guardian, actually guardians, already assigned by this legal document, it's similar to the older document called a Power of Attorney, and it calls for two men to make all of James' medical decisions if he is unable to make them for himself."

The new fact angered him, made him want to storm out and get the kid the way he use to take them, because kidnapping and extortion was always an option and one that he actually liked.

He kept his cool though, he had waited too long for this moment and he would not ruin with a tantrum, " I wasn't aware of such a document." He smiled at the judge and continued, knowing that money definitely talked, especially among those who held a certain degree of power, "I am sure we can find a way to override it, he is in need of great medical care and possibly long term mental care. I am more than willing to pay any amount to ensure his well being." He smiled at the judge, hoping that the subliminal message was connecting to the man's brain cells.

Judge Olef smiled and nodded, he knew of a few legal maneuvers he could use to get the document negated, he just hoped it would be worth the price he was going to ask. " I'm sure we can work out some monetary amount to ensure that the legal document gets... misplaced." he reached out to shake Karidian's hand, and there the deal was struck, as Karidian smiled and shook the man's hand firmly, " My daughter Lenore will write you a check this afternoon, and I would like for him to be on a flight home tonight at the latest." He needed to arrange transport for his son, it was going to be a long journey home.

" I am sure she will take care of me." the judge gave him a sardonic grin, thinking that more than money would be changing hands for the man called James Kirk.

" She was raised to understand the art of negotiation, she will be at your full service but like I said, I will need to leave by ten o'clock tonight. You do understand the urgency in getting him to a proper facility in a timely manner?" Kodos wanted to guarantee that this would go smoothly.

" Indeed." He patted the man on the shoulder and walked him to the door, his plans for the young and beautiful daughter of the rich man was going to be more than just business tonight.

Kodos knew the judge would get his last taste of sexual satisfaction tonight, Lenore would kill him, it is what she was taught and she would do it without leaving a clue. He had things to plan, his heart was palpitating at the thought of having James home again, and he knew that he had to make sure his home was totally secured, he wouldn't want JT to think he could ever escape again.

**Hospital**

**Room 827**

Jim rolled over to see the doctor sitting in his usual chair, watching him as he had done for the past few days. He thought Bones was persistent but Dr Connors must have been his teacher because he had it down to a damned fine art.

" Good morning James." the doctor eyed his patient, wanting to get him to at least talk to him this morning.

The day before had been bad for his client, it had propelled him to use some ancient but effective medications that his client was not so sensitive to and he wanted to see if they were helping him this morning.

"Yeah, shhhhure it is." his damaged voice was still raw and slurred.

" You feel like talking?" he asked as he pulled his seat closer to the man in the bed.

Jim looked over at the man and rolled his eyes. "Like I have a choice." his words actually sounding better the second time around.

" I want to keep you informed about your care, so first, let's talk about medications. I have you started on a couple of anti-depressants and a sedative. This combination of drugs will assist you in being able to talk about the traumas that you have experienced." he started, wondering if the man in the bed was actually listening to him.

" I hate drugs, they tend to cause me a multitude of problems, such as respiratory distress, hives, anaphylactic shock, diarrhea, vomiting, urinary retention, hives, etcetera, etcetera." Jim mumbled out the words as he rubbed at sticky eyes, wanting to just to get through this ordeal so early in the damned morning. He glanced at the clock and noted the ten-thirty in the morning hour. " Damn, did I sleep since yesterday?"

" Yes, you did James. Like I said, I've started you on a regimen of drugs to assist you in being able to cope with what happened, not only recently but in the past. Your profile reads like a book and I know that you haven't dealt with the ordeals in your life, your actions speak louder than words." he continued, wanting to get across the point that he wanted him to start talking about his life and finding ways to cope other than putting his life at risk.

" I've been through this before, doc. I am who I am." he started to raise up in bed and then noted that his sitter was missing again. He proceeded to raise himself up in the biobed. He shook his head, " If you want to gain points with me then you'll get rid of my babysitter."

Dr Connors knew that request was coming, it is what they all asked for first. " I'll think about it." he smiled as he glanced down at his notes, wondering just where to begin now that his client was actually talking.

Jim nodded, at least it was worth a try, he would keep pounding on that point, the good doctor would cave eventually, they always did to get him to talk. "Where's Bones?" he asked, wanting to talk to him about getting out of the damned hospital, he would do whatever it took and to rid himself of the shrink he might have to do something desperate.

" Making his rounds. He is a busy surgeon." He watched his client stare at the door, as if he was mentally wishing that the doctor would come and rescue him from having to talk to the damned shrink. He was use to by now, they all thought the same way.

" Yeah, he does like his job." he responded as he pulled the blanket around his body tight. He just wanted to leave, and it was getting a little claustrophobic with the doctor in the room.

" You want to try to eat something. Maybe some dry toast or crackers." He knew it was going to be a while before James could eat solid food again, and he felt bad for the man. The feeding tube still snaked out from under the blankets, he would need to be eating before it could be removed.

" Nah, I'm good." Jim pointed to the container of liquid food above his head and smiled, " I hope its lactose free, I have a tendency to get stomach upset." he smiled a crooked grin.

The doctor took in the frail appearance of the man in the bed, he was pale, thin, and very weak. He was vulnerable and he would have to be careful not to take advantage of the man's vulnerabilities. "You want to talk about yesterday?" It was a fair question, one that needed to be asked and dealt with considering fact of the breakdown that was now documented and had led him to changing James's meds.

He felt tired suddenly, the past few days had taken their toll. He really didn't feel like talking especially to a complete stranger, someone he had known for less than a week and if he did tell the man his plan then he would be looking at restraints and enough drugs to stone an elephant.

" It was a bad day." It was a short answer but at least he gave the man something.

" To say the least, you were definitely distraught. I would have been too, learning that someone whom I thought to be dead was actually alive and well. How did that make you feel?" he didn't want to rush James but he had to get started on his recovery and he might as well start here, where the pain was the freshest.

Jim couldn't help but to squirm under the assessing eyes of the mental health man, he felt uncomfortable to say the least, and he wasn't going to answer but, then again, he wanted to say something, needed to say something.

" It's hard to realize that you've failed someone, especially, someone you loved." his voice cracked with emotion, but he quickly recovered but closed his eyes, the emotion of finding out about Adele as he loved to call the little girl named Adeline Belle Therian. He had loved teasing her by calling her Adele Bell. Her giggle was still etched in his memory, her red hair and freckles still vivid in his eidetic mind.

" Are you talking about Adeline or Carla Ann?" the doctor asked as he leaned forward, finally the conversation had started and he had to be careful not to say something that would halt the propulsion forward with his client.

" Both. They meant a lot to me when I lived on Tarsus IV. I never had a real family and I finally had found one, a family that cared about each other, a family that cared about me. I felt loved there." He didn't realize he was telling the doctor his inner most thoughts, he just felt like finally talking.

" Sam was your family, it seems as if he was also a protector too." Dr Connors hoped he was not pushing it too far but wanted to interject the man who had taken the beatings in his place for so many years of his young life.

Jim nodded, that was Sam until he left, until he ran away, the protector, his bodyguard. He sure as hell took a lot of beatings from their step-father, and he couldn't help but to feel it was his fault. He had tried to be good, tried to be perfect but the man had a temper and when he was intoxicated he was at his worse and no matter how perfect he was, the man wanted to beat him, and Sam protected him, calling away the attention from himself and taking the pain of the belt. He missed Sam.

The doctor saw the acknowledgment of what he already knew from James' files and was satisfied for the moment with Jim's nonverbal response.

" Have you seen your mother since you became a Captain." he asked, hoping that he didn't miss anything in the files, hoping that she too wasn't an abusive parent.

" I haven't seen Winona since I returned from Tarsus IV. She had a lot of guilt issues according to my shrinks. She was devastated to find out about Frank and his unorthodox punishments and she had sent me there to live with my aunt, uncle and their children. " he took a deep breath, remembering the day Kodos had slaughtered them, right in front of his very eyes. The massacre had caused chaos and he was able to escape but not without seeing so many people killed. It had been too much for a thirteen year old to witness. " She probably thinks I hate her for having to deal with Tarsus IV too."

Dr Connors felt bad, the man had been deserted by the mother and she emotional issues too, it had to be a blow to someone who had suffered so much pain in such a short period of time. Tarsus IV had been a living hell and he had no support on his return. He would have to continue going slow, but there were so many curves on this path he felt that he could stumble and falter this interview. James Kirk's life was becoming more and more complicated.

" I've only read stories about Tarsus IV. You actually lived it, it must have been awful seeing so many people die." he continued, treading lightly with where he could go with this particular event in James young life. This event had changed the man in the bed, for the good and for the worse.

Jim's face darkened at the memories, so many people slaughtered that day, so many young lives ended, four thousand people butchered and it was all labeled eugenics and all of it was so avoidable, the relief ships were coming and yet the man had murdered men, women and children all to save the stronger, more valuable elite. He mentally shook his head and decided that he had enough talking for today. His emotions were too raw to start talking about a place that he had never talked to anyone about before.

" If Bones wants to do his morning poking and prodding he had better get here soon. I want to sleep." he ended the conversation and therefore notified the doctor in the chair that he was done talking about his feelings for the day.

The doctor got the cue, that James was done talking for now but he knew the drugs would soon assist him in letting go of the demons of his past, allow him to move forward in his recovery.

One of the drugs acted like sodium pentothol, it reacted on the brain the same way by decreasing higher cortical brain functioning. He would increase the dose this morning and by late afternoon he would be more able to talk about those things he had kept inside for so long, the pain he knew the man had found a way to hide from, until now. For now, he would not push.

" I'll find him James." He stood to leave but turned, and spoke to the man in the bed. " I'm here to help you, if you want to be helped. I know it's hard but I won't allow you to throw away the best thing that has ever happened to you, your crew needs you James, and I have a feeling that you need them too."

Jim didn't answer, he closed his eyes, wanting to retreat from the memories of his past, from the horrors of Tarsus IV. " I'll eat some toast if you can find some."

Dr Connors smiled, " I'll make you some myself." he closed Jim's door, the Vulcan returned to his seat.

Jim knew he would have to talk some but this was going to be difficult, more than he had anticipated.

**Judge Olef's Chambers**

The Judge smiled as he signed the documents releasing James Tiberius Kirk into the custody of Anton Karidian. He knew what he was about to do was against all his ethical teachings but money talked and so did sexual favors.

He stamped his seal on the document, gathered his belongings and left his office. He would give the documents to Lenore tonight, it would be a night she would never forget.

**Room 827**

Bones entered Jim's room. He noted the half finished toast on Jim's tray and felt good that he had at least attempted to eat. He just wanted his friend, his captain, better.

" Good morning sunshine." the doctor spoke as he lifted the blinds and allowed he sun to shine into the room.

" I have a headache, Bones, close the damned shades." he mumbled, his head buried beneath the blankets.

Bones reached over and turned on the bioboard, he needed to do his morning assessment. " You don't have a headache you pain in the ass, so get your head out from under those damned blankets." Bones wanted the man in the bed to know he wasn't going to put up with his shit today.

Jim pushed off the blankets and noted that his bodyguard was missing, it was a small relief.

" I want this out." Jim pointed to the device in his stomach that protruded out and connected to the tube feeding.

" And I want out of Starfleet so I can raise sheep but that's not going to happen." he mumbled, as he checked settings and vital signs.

Jim gave him a quizzical look and started to say something when he noted the hyposprays in the doctors hand. " No more drugs!" he almost yelled, well, he might have yelled, as he pushed himself back on the bed, as far away from the dreaded drug filled vials as he could.

" Don't be such a wuss, Jim. These will help you get the hell out of here and the sooner the better. And by the way,I think Spock is stalking me, he is here more than he is on the ship." He continued as he rounded on his patient and administered the first of the hyposprays.

" Dammit!" Jim yelled, " I said no more drugs!" he rubbed at the soreness left behind.

" And I said you have to get better so that Vulcan will stop camping out in my office." he landed another hypo on the other side of Jim's already sore neck.

"Son of a bitch, Bones!" his reaction to the pain even surprised him, he hated hyposprays.

Bones smiled, finally the man in the bed was acting more like the Jim he knew. " One more." he landed it with such precision and propulsion that he would have made even Thomas Newton proud.

Jim just yelped this time and rubbed at his painful neck. " I hate you." he slurred as the drugs entered his system.

" And that is why you are my best friend, Jim. We have that love, hate relationship." he smiled as he reached for the tricorder and started assessing, noting a slightly elevated fever. He then reached down and pulled up Jim's gown and looked at the peg site, it was fine.

" What?" Jim asked, his eyes getting heavy from the damned drugs that had been delivered into his delicate system.

" Just looking for the source of your fever, Jim." he reached over for the device to take blood and without asking permission, which he knew Jim would not give anyways, he took some blood from the arm opposite Jim's current IV. He knew it was a low grade fever but with Jim, nothing was ever easy.

"Fever?" he again slurred his words, wanting to ask when he could leave but instead he just drooled and his eyes went closed.

" Yeah, fever." Bones answered worriedly as he left the room to take the blood to lab, noting that the sitter was reentering the room as he left.

"My luck sucks." Jim spoke it mostly to himself as he was hit with a wave of shivers...causing him to tuck himself under the blankets tightly.

"Dammit, even when he's trying something goes wrong." Bones mumbled to himself as he headed for the lab. All Jim needed was another setback.

As the door closed Jim let out a congested cough, it was going to be a long day.

**Okay, I am going to work today so this is my chapter for the day. I hope you like and remember, reviews are appreciated. Thank you for reading my story.**


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